Choices & Expectations

Choice - power of choosing; care in selecting; to be preferred.

Expectation - The prospect of the future; grounds upon which something excellent is expected to happen; prospect of anything good to come.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the concepts of choice and expectation. Here in the US, we live in an environment of limitless choices and possibilities. For the most part, as long as we strive for to attain our goals, the possibilities are endless. We are truly the architects of our own lives. This is one of the great things about our society. However, the idea that 'I can always do better' or 'Something better is just around the corner' are notions that really don't work in romantic situations. If you are constantly seeking the next best thing, and it's just around the next corner, then there it will be. Why? Because you're not fully in the moment and you're not committed to the relationship you've got. It's naive to expect romantic relationships to be all giggles and smiles every minute of every day. Every relationship has its problems, it's how you choose to handle problems as they arise that makes the difference.

A sense of multiple alternatives, of unlimited possibility, breeds in us the illusion that perfection does in fact exist somewhere out there, if only we could find it. Ultimately, our excess of choice leads to a lack of intimacy. How is anyone going to compare to this perfect person who's out there somewhere just waiting to be found? It creates doubt about this person you are currently involved with, who seems to be a good partner, but who knows what else may be out there for you?

Intimacy takes time to develop. If you are constantly wandering in and out of romantic situations you are never allowing the time it takes to establish real intimacy with a partner. And isn't intimacy the 'feel good' part of a relationship? And I'm not referring to physical intimacy, you can have sex with anyone and it mean very little but feel great never the less. Instead, I'm referring to emotional intimacy. The thing that puts you in tune with another human being.

I think a lot of women simply let their lives happen to them. Life IS a series of choices, a concept that men seem to understand. Women, however, tend to seek out that one 'perfect person,' who doesn't exist, and then settles into the status quo. Which I suppose is fine for some, but I want something different then the status quo. For me, things don't have to look the same way as every other woman's life does in American society.

In creating this blog and in accepting as many dates as possible, I'm trying to decipher what's right for me as an individual, not what's "right" for our collective society. Growing up in a dysfunctional home, in some ways, has given me an insight that I am lucky to posses. On the other hand, it has made it difficult for me to open up to men or to trust men. In the recent past, I choose only emotionally detached men because it was safe in some odd way. Safe yet never fulfilling. I don't want that anymore. I guess these are some of the core issues I am hoping to work through. In attempting to work on myself, my expectations of men are also beginning to shift. And here we are again, back to expectations.

This is the thing about my expectations. They are not about wanting something so utterly impossible or so monumental that it can never be, thereby leaving me with a constant feeling of disappointment in men. My expectations of men are about respect, consideration, honesty, about a man putting forth effort if he wants to be in my life in any capacity. I expect the same things of my friendships yet it is only recently that I have begun to expect this of men. Why? Again, that damn dysfunctional home...

I want to work on me so that I can be the best possible me, not perfection because that's an illusion...the perfect me, what ever that is. I what to date the masses so that I can find out what it is that makes ME happy and unhappy in romantic situations. I want to erase the damage my parents did by watching their relationship and I want to erase the fabrications we as girls grow up watching on tv...the happily ever after, the Rachael and Ross, the love at first sight, all of which are a farce.