Never Apologize for Showing Feeling

One of my goals for doing this blog is to not only figure out what I want and need in a relationship but also to learn about who I am with and without a man in my life. I've had two long term relationships and both were a long time ago and both were less than ideal. Not that they were bad men because they weren't but when you bring two dysfunctional people together well...tada. Dysfunction.

I'm really trying to work on being real with men which is extremely difficult. I do realize that by saying that, it sounds like I'm saying that I don't show my personality. That's not true. I have a big personality and I have no problem showcasing it. My problem is that I put on a facade of being a woman who doesn't need anyone and that translates to men viewing me in a certain light. I'm not exactly sure how I can better explain that. I know this is a bit vague but I'm trying.

I grew up with a wonderful mother who felt trapped in an abusive relationship. I also grew up hearing my wonderful mom tell me, "You never want to put yourself in a position that leaves you dependent on a man." So there is something deeply internalized within me that believes it's weak to want partner in my life or (here's the worst of the worst) to want to get married because those two things lead to dependence on a man and than what? It is physically uncomfortable for me to say aloud that I want these things and I literally have a hard time getting the words out when I try.

It's odd, the more I date the more I realize that I don't necessarily want the typical relationship but I DO want a relationship, something real. I'm 36 years old and have never lived with a man romantically, I've never said, "I love you" to a man. I'm a person that needs to have my own space. I want my own life, my own interests. I am wildly independent and am very proud of it and I don't understand what it is I'm doing that attracts men that don't want the similar.

Through dating, I have also learned how ignorant I am when it comes to how to think like you’re "in a relationship" because really, I've never had to do it before. I've only had to think of myself. I'm not a selfish person but if you’re single long enough you just become set in your ways (as my boss put it).

I realize that I'm a bit all over the place but this is my small effort to be honest.

Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth. ~Benjamin Disraeli

Good Sex & the Art of Meeting Men

Lately, I've been thinking about what it means to have "good sex." Don't get me wrong, mechanically, I know what I like but I've been pondering what it is that makes things really hot between two people. Until recently, I was involved with two men. With one man, the sex was incredible. With the other man, ehh...it's aiight. Of course, things have ceased with good sex guy and I'm left with the other.

While I don't want to stop seeing him, the chemistry is just not there. I wouldn't say the sex is bad, it's...blah. Plus, being involved with him, I see more and more that (as my boss put it) I'm "set in my ways." He wants to cuddle and I just want my space. He wants to talk after sex, I want to sleep. I would be completely and totally happy if after sex he would get up, get dressed and go home. Perhaps at a certain age, you become inflexible and you no longer require the same sort of stroking of your emotional ego. Perhaps I'm just not into him. I feel like the man in this situation and I question why I continue it.

I see that I've become socially lazy since my accident (I broke both ankles in January). I've lost the desire to go out with friends, to go for drinks, to go to concerts and yes, to meet new men. In reality, all I want to do is go home...and shop. I control the shopping urge but the inclination never dissipates. Another facet as to why I continue on with mundane sex guy is because of the fact that I'm not currently seeing anyone else. In other words, I don't want to completely cut off my supply. Therein lies the problem. I'd like to start dating more men again (ipso facto have better sex) but don't want to go out or do anything to meet them.

It's kind of funny, good sex guy wouldn't kiss me and it annoyed the living hell out of me. With mundane sex guy, I literally start to laugh during sex because I catch myself thinking, "OMG, stop kissing me. I feel like I'm being smothered and can't breathe!"

Bottom line, it's time for me to start going out again. I know this and, god help me, somehow I need to make myself do it.