The Zen of Men

Zen - To figure out something by meditation or by a sudden flash of enlightenment; Can be applied to problems of life in general.

I went out with 'HWSRN' again on Wednesday night. We went to see a band. Nothing major, just chill. However, this evening, our interaction seemed strained. I found myself more attracted to his buddy in the band (the guy was FINE!!). I found myself feeling a little bored and there was just a general awkward vibe. I caught myself thinking, "I'm not interested in anything but friendship with HWSRN."

The whole thing made me wonder if I'm one of those annoying girls that is never happy or if I'm just not interested. Being that I've never been a big dater, I'm just not sure. Can you decide in a matter of 3 days that you're not interested? Or should that require more time to decide?

It made me think about how competitive I was in junior high and high school when I used to play volleyball. I would loose my freakin' mind because I felt the other girls weren't taking things seriously. And I mean I would absolutely loose it!

I wonder if I won't ever be happy unless I'm struggling to attain someone's attention who isn't all that interested...the struggle being all about the win, the competition. That is so not how I want to be. What a waste of energy and time it would be to be like that.

Another factor is that at present, I feel like I'm caught somewhere between the boys of my past and the men of my future. While I love my creative types, I'm an adult. I don't love the idea of getting involved with men that are all over the place. I don't mean for this to sound shallow. I'm just trying to be honest with myself. Since I'm driven and intend to live a lifestyle that affords me the ability to travel, and to shop, and to go to lunches or dinners with friends, to collect art, to donate to charities I believe in, etc.; then the men in my life need to at minimum be at the same level as I am. I dated this one guy who would always talk about let's travel to this country or visit this city but when I would actually try to make those plans happen, he never wanted to do it because he didn't have the money. It sucked.

So back to HWSRN...He invited me over for dinner on Sunday. I accepted. Partially, because I called my friend and asked her opinion, partially because I wouldn't mind a little extra curricular activity (what can I say, it's been a while), and partially because he's a nice guy and I think I'm supposed to like nice guys (right??!?).

The truth is, while I still find myself attracted to creative types, hell I'm a creative type, I notice a change. The change is I'm more and more attracted to the hot guy in a suit at Cyclone Anaya's sitting at the bar during happy hour. PS I've always though men looked hot in suits. Not sure what that's about but it's just sexy!

Another thing I don't really like about HWSRN is I think he's relationship guy. He seems to want to see me every couple of days. Which I guess is cool but in the beginning, I'm more of a once a week or once every week and a half kind of girl. I don't want to lead him but I find that there is never an appropriate time to let him know I'm seeing other men.

I guess I'll figure more out in time.