That Shi Cra'y!

I'm much more ok with the ending of this "relationship" than I thought I would be. Sometimes my ego and emotions become intertwined. Perhaps this is one of those occasions. I get upset at the thought that this man doesn't want me...ME! I suppose it's better to think that way then to be insecure. But then again, maybe I just needed to try one last time and needed to hear one last time, from him..."I don't have feelings for you." I don't regret going back into the situation with him. I tried to attain a real partnership with a man I cared deeply for. I tried for something I wanted and I kept my hope. Hope is something I don't want to lose. Hope in love, hope in people, hope in men...I don't want to lose those things. So no regrets. I know I'm still bothered by his departure from my life because I'm thinking of him now and writing about him now but I also know that I'm fine. In ending things with him comes sadness but also a feeling of finality. Like the ending of a scene in a film. Cut. And that actually feels pretty good. I now know with all certainty it's a no go for he and I. I do however, think he's lying to himself to some degree. That's not to say I think he's crazy about me. Obviously, he's not but I do think he feels more strongly for me than he is admitting to himself. I guess we had that in common...not recognizing emotions. I know I will still think of him, probably daily for a while, but I also know I'm good and I'm certain there is a man out there that will compliment the person I am. He will be confident in the knowledge that I am his partner and he is mine. Most importantly, he will want to proclaim that I am his, not hide me so that no one ever knows of a secret relationship. "That shi cra'y."

Sucking at Life

So, I've certainly been absent for a long while now. I simply haven't had the urge to write. Until yesterday. I've realized that what made me want to start writing this blog was not to talk about my dates. I mean really, a date is a date is a date. And one lame pick up line or one jerk off is just par for the course when it comes to dating. The reason, when it all comes down to it, that I get inspired to write is sadness. I, yet again, involved myself with Mr. Callous. I've been involved with him for almost ANOTHER year and just a few days ago, it ended...again. I'm not going into all the whys of how it ended but suffice to say, he was particularly harsh and disconnected, which really doesn't surprise me but hurts me deeply regardless. I ended it with him but that really doesn't make me feel better. Ending it was not what I wanted to do...by no stretch of the imagination. I've realized what my real problem is when it comes to relationships. I lie to myself. Two friends, within 4 days said to me, "You're in love with him." My response? Me: "No I'm not. Why would you think that?" Friend 1: "Tell me why you don't think you're in love with him and I'll tell you why you are." Me: "Well, if offered a job in another city, I would leave." Friend 1: "And what if he started giving you what you need?" Me: *Hesitation* "No, I don't love him." I still don't know if I'm in love with him but what it made me realize is how deeply I do feel for him and I realize that I've been lying to myself the whole while. The problem with my love life isn't that I'm attracted to emotionally unavailable men. My problem is that I'm afraid to care for a man and so, I lie to myself by saying I don't care. Only to realize how much I care when it's too late or when I've wasted too much time in a dead end relationship. I'm crazy about him and he doesn't care about me. What's funny is I'm not mad at him. I'm mad at myself....for letting this stupidity go on for (I think) 3 years. I'm mad that when I met a good man who was ready to be there for me in a real way, I pushed him away, never giving this great man a chance because I felt more strongly for Mr. Callous. But that's life I suppose. I think that to make this faux relationship mean anything I need to learn from it. And this is what I have learned. No more lying to me. No more hiding what I feel. No more avoiding the hard subjects. And deal with all this early on because when you care about someone and don't want to loose them, they won't let you go. When they do let you go...than you have your answer. I can't keep struggling to be with someone who doesn't want me in his life in any real way. I miss him already. I think we could have had a great partnership. I am sad that I'm loosing my friend (because as I learned on Saturday, he doesn't want to talk to me now). I don't think it should be ending this way but I have to do what I have to do and so does he. End of story. In conclusion, this sucks!