When You Let Your Ass Do The Talking

My mom used to tell me that the 30's are the best years of a woman's life and being that I'm half way through my 30's, I couldn't agree more. It's not to say that life is perfect. There are a lot of things that I want to do, to be, to have but there's a certain self awareness that comes to women in their 30's. I feel unstoppable, like I can do and have anything I want as long as I work toward it.

I suppose I've hit a retrospective period of my life. I've been reevaluating lovers, friendships, my career, all in an effort to find what it is that would make me happy. I don't have the answer to finding happiness. It's different for everyone but for me, I think I'm close and getting closer everyday. I have an opportunity in February (can't talk about it, don't want to curse it) that if it happens, it will mean I'll be leaving Houston (aka my comfort zone) and starting a new life in another city. If it doesn't happen, I've been thinking I may just sell everything I own, hop on a plane and move overseas for a year. My lifetime dream is to see the world. I mean really see the world, not just the tourist spots. There are so many things that I can see for myself and for the first time in my life I know it's all possible...as big as I can dream it, it can be.

As I'm starting to date new men I'm also seeing how different things can be if you simply don't allow for less. What's interesting is the more I start expecting of men, the more I'm expecting of myself. I feel like if I want a man to put forth effort, to be attractive, intelligent, educated, and so on, then I need to be that truly exceptional woman who belongs with that exceptional man. In a way, me blogging is my cheap form of therapy. It's helping me sort out things that would otherwise take me way to long to figure out. I have always seen glimpses of the exceptional being I am but just little glimpses. That person would pop in and out of my conscience but self doubt or insecurity would also pop in and out. More and more the insecurities are disappearing and the exceptional person is taking over.

I love this person and the expectations she has of others. And as I start to demand more from myself and more from others, I will be let down by fewer and fewer people. I will stop being attracted to emotionally unavailable men and one sided friendships (or at least that's the theory) and will start attaining the attention of people that are worthy of what I can offer.

I don't know, maybe I'm just talking out of my ass.