One Thing I Do Know, Is That I Don't Know

It's been a little over a month now and Mr. Callous and I have not spoken. I figured that by this point I would not be thinking about him as much as I am...still am. I think of him often. Not in the fixated, psycho way, but he does pass through my mind more often then I am comfortable with. I catch myself wondering if he thinks of me.

I almost text messaged him on Christmas but decided I shouldn't. I've thought to call him a couple of times but didn't. I feel that even though I'm the one that left his apartment that morning while he slept, he should be the one to reach out for me if we are to ever have a friendship again.

My whole issue with him was with what appeared to be his lack of concern for me and his complete disconnect. So I don't think it's too much to expect him to open himself to me in this tiny manner. A phone call is a simple thing.

We were always able to talk to each other. I don't know where or when that was lost. The closeness that we once had is gone and hasn't been present for a long while. I wonder if he noticed it's absence or if he ever felt that same closeness to me.

I used to joke with him about how emotionally stunted he was and he would argue with me about it. He said he was capable of intimacy but just didn't want a relationship. I wonder if I changed or if he did. I tend to think we both changed our behaviors toward each other. The reality of things for me is that while I am able to and have had purely sexual relationships, I can't let them go on for too long. I will begin to get attached over time. Sometimes I think he started to get attached as well and that's when he pushed me further away. Or maybe he was just selfish with me. He didn't want me, but he didn't want me to go either.

Then there is the final possibility, 'Maybe he just doesn't care anymore. Maybe he never did.'

The one thing I do know, is that I don't know.