Gotta Vent

Yesterday was an amazing day! I went to a flight school in Cypress, took a tour around the city in a four passenger plane and than had a flight lesson. It was incredible! I invited Baby, big mistake! I thought it would be a nice gesture since he normally pays for everything. I knew I should have just invited a friend. He said he hated it, said it was scary. You know what I say? "BOOOOOO, man up."

Anyway, after that he proceeds to pick on me for the remainder of the day. Nothing big, just lots of little things. He didn't like the capri's I was wearing; he said I can't cook (he's never tried my cooking); he complained about the highway I took on the way back; he decided it was alright to come up behind me and see who was texting me and what was being said, then tells me that one of my best friends is ugly (Not cool! You can't talk about my friend like that!). And on and on it went. The entire day! Now I know you're thinking, "Why didn't she just ask him to leave?" Good question. The answer...well, I wanted to have sex. What can I say, I'm human.

Right before he finally left I asked, "So, what's up with you today?" Baby says, "What do you mean?" "I mean you've been negative and picking on me all day. What's the deal?" "I mean, I just didn't like the plane ride."

I guess disliking a single activity gives you the right to be an ass for the rest of the day. Who knew??

This is what I find interesting. I'm sure Baby and I will make up (meaning he's going to apologize :) and that will be that. What I like is that more and more, I’m verbalizing my thoughts instead of just letting go of the things that bother me. Why should I be silent all of the time? Which is exactly what I've done in the past. I tend to dismiss my feelings in order to keep the peace, a little trick my mom taught me growing up. Of course my mother was dealing with a different beast entirely.

It's kind of sad because I think a lot of women do this. What in our society tells women and girls to silence themselves? Our thoughts and desires are just as important as any mans thoughts and desires, yet we tend to hold back. The thing I'm learning more and more is that I don't have to be silent and if someone doesn't like what I have to say, they can leave. The world won't come to an end and life will go on as usual.

Conflicted

AHHHHHHHHH!!

As of yesterday, I thought I should probably end things with the guy I'm seeing. Then today came. Le Sigh...

First, I have to explain that he - I'll call him Baby. And yes, that is in fact his pet name. - and I only see each other twice a week or so, which works great for me cause I likes my 'me' time. So we hadn’t spent much time together in the past week and a half. We hung out today. We went for breakfast and to a design market. Being with him was so nice! When I'm with Baby I realize I've been missing him but strangely, when I don't see him I don't really think of him much at all. How normal is that? Really, I'm asking??

I just can't quite figure out if I trying to sabotage one of the best relationship I've have with a man in a while, or if I'm not really feelin' it and am trying to make myself feel more or, is it really his lack of ambition that keeps me somewhat detached?

Did I mention I regressed, back to Mr. Callous? We'll talk more about how that happened on another day. Anyhow, I really shouldn't call it regression. I think it could have easily been a regression if I had felt all lovey over him bit I didn't. It's very strange with he and I. I know he cares for me (Now don't get me wrong, care can mean a lot of things.) but not enough to make whatever it is we have between us ever mean anything. For whatever reason, when it pertains to me, he is limited and the truth is I don't think I really care...anymore. Do I wish things could be different? Of course I do. But there not and that's all there is to that.

So, I spent the night with Mr. Callous on Friday night. It wasn't platonic. Considering how attractive I find him, there was absolutely no passion. The sex was good but in a mechanical way. And again, he wouldn't kiss me.

What's odd is that I wasn't sad about it or mad or anything. Maybe I should have been but who knows. It's strange because when I don't see him, I miss him, I miss talking to him, I want to tell him what's going on in my daily life but then when I'm actually with him physically, I'm detached and feel like we don't have much to say to each other. Perhaps that's a defense mechanism. I'm not sure.

What's even more odd is that he seems to care about the fact that I find him to be the most detached person I've ever known. I'm not sure why he would care about what I think being that I'm relatively unimportant to him.

Either way, I think Friday night may have been our last time on the Ferris wheel. It's just plain silly at this point. I remember Mr. Callous telling me, "I hope we can be friends still." Well, I sincerely hope he'll be ok with us just being friends. Over the past month, I can see more clearly that we're better off as just friends. He actually talks to me like I'm a person or when we're just friends. It's just better off.

Well, I felt that I had to confess my excursion with Mr. Callous because...just because. I think it's a way for me to confess to Baby without actually telling Baby. I've never actually cheated on anyone before, although I'm really not sure if it would be considered cheating. We haven't really had 'the talk' yet but Baby did once make a point to let me know he isn't sleeping with anyone but me. I know it would hurt him. There is no one I would want to hurt less. I feel like I'm just trying to be level heading about getting involved and potentially getting into a relationship. I know I wouldn't be happy grinding each and every day and the person I'm with is just chillin'. Don't get me wrong, he most certainly works but...I'll just say he's a lot more laid back then I am. If finance is the top factor that destroys relationship and I know that it would be a problem for me personally, then aren't I simply making a wise decision?

I'd really love some feedback here. I'm so conflicted.

Re-Cap on the Past Few Months

Needless to say, the past few months have been difficult, but I will say, you learn a lot about yourself in tough times. Anyhow, I've been seeing someone pretty regularly since December. After my accident, I thought he'd disappear but he stuck around. He's definitely one of those good men I was hoping to meet. He has been absolutely amazing to me in so many ways. But, (you had to know there was a but coming), I think I've finally figured out why I would never let myself get too into him. He completely lacks drive. It's taken me a little while to really figure this one out but there you have it. I've talked to him and asked him what he sees for his future and he doesn't know. That would be fine if we were in our 20's, but that's not the case.

So this is the dilemma, how do I end something with one of the nicest guys I've dated in long while? I do have to admit, I'm excited at the thought of starting to date again.