Choices & Expectations

Choice - power of choosing; care in selecting; to be preferred.

Expectation - The prospect of the future; grounds upon which something excellent is expected to happen; prospect of anything good to come.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the concepts of choice and expectation. Here in the US, we live in an environment of limitless choices and possibilities. For the most part, as long as we strive for to attain our goals, the possibilities are endless. We are truly the architects of our own lives. This is one of the great things about our society. However, the idea that 'I can always do better' or 'Something better is just around the corner' are notions that really don't work in romantic situations. If you are constantly seeking the next best thing, and it's just around the next corner, then there it will be. Why? Because you're not fully in the moment and you're not committed to the relationship you've got. It's naive to expect romantic relationships to be all giggles and smiles every minute of every day. Every relationship has its problems, it's how you choose to handle problems as they arise that makes the difference.

A sense of multiple alternatives, of unlimited possibility, breeds in us the illusion that perfection does in fact exist somewhere out there, if only we could find it. Ultimately, our excess of choice leads to a lack of intimacy. How is anyone going to compare to this perfect person who's out there somewhere just waiting to be found? It creates doubt about this person you are currently involved with, who seems to be a good partner, but who knows what else may be out there for you?

Intimacy takes time to develop. If you are constantly wandering in and out of romantic situations you are never allowing the time it takes to establish real intimacy with a partner. And isn't intimacy the 'feel good' part of a relationship? And I'm not referring to physical intimacy, you can have sex with anyone and it mean very little but feel great never the less. Instead, I'm referring to emotional intimacy. The thing that puts you in tune with another human being.

I think a lot of women simply let their lives happen to them. Life IS a series of choices, a concept that men seem to understand. Women, however, tend to seek out that one 'perfect person,' who doesn't exist, and then settles into the status quo. Which I suppose is fine for some, but I want something different then the status quo. For me, things don't have to look the same way as every other woman's life does in American society.

In creating this blog and in accepting as many dates as possible, I'm trying to decipher what's right for me as an individual, not what's "right" for our collective society. Growing up in a dysfunctional home, in some ways, has given me an insight that I am lucky to posses. On the other hand, it has made it difficult for me to open up to men or to trust men. In the recent past, I choose only emotionally detached men because it was safe in some odd way. Safe yet never fulfilling. I don't want that anymore. I guess these are some of the core issues I am hoping to work through. In attempting to work on myself, my expectations of men are also beginning to shift. And here we are again, back to expectations.

This is the thing about my expectations. They are not about wanting something so utterly impossible or so monumental that it can never be, thereby leaving me with a constant feeling of disappointment in men. My expectations of men are about respect, consideration, honesty, about a man putting forth effort if he wants to be in my life in any capacity. I expect the same things of my friendships yet it is only recently that I have begun to expect this of men. Why? Again, that damn dysfunctional home...

I want to work on me so that I can be the best possible me, not perfection because that's an illusion...the perfect me, what ever that is. I what to date the masses so that I can find out what it is that makes ME happy and unhappy in romantic situations. I want to erase the damage my parents did by watching their relationship and I want to erase the fabrications we as girls grow up watching on tv...the happily ever after, the Rachael and Ross, the love at first sight, all of which are a farce.

One Thing I Do Know, Is That I Don't Know

It's been a little over a month now and Mr. Callous and I have not spoken. I figured that by this point I would not be thinking about him as much as I am...still am. I think of him often. Not in the fixated, psycho way, but he does pass through my mind more often then I am comfortable with. I catch myself wondering if he thinks of me.

I almost text messaged him on Christmas but decided I shouldn't. I've thought to call him a couple of times but didn't. I feel that even though I'm the one that left his apartment that morning while he slept, he should be the one to reach out for me if we are to ever have a friendship again.

My whole issue with him was with what appeared to be his lack of concern for me and his complete disconnect. So I don't think it's too much to expect him to open himself to me in this tiny manner. A phone call is a simple thing.

We were always able to talk to each other. I don't know where or when that was lost. The closeness that we once had is gone and hasn't been present for a long while. I wonder if he noticed it's absence or if he ever felt that same closeness to me.

I used to joke with him about how emotionally stunted he was and he would argue with me about it. He said he was capable of intimacy but just didn't want a relationship. I wonder if I changed or if he did. I tend to think we both changed our behaviors toward each other. The reality of things for me is that while I am able to and have had purely sexual relationships, I can't let them go on for too long. I will begin to get attached over time. Sometimes I think he started to get attached as well and that's when he pushed me further away. Or maybe he was just selfish with me. He didn't want me, but he didn't want me to go either.

Then there is the final possibility, 'Maybe he just doesn't care anymore. Maybe he never did.'

The one thing I do know, is that I don't know.

Giving Oral to a Woman

Earlier today, while joking with a friend of mine, I said I should write a blog on giving oral. I've since decided against that. However, I do have one piece of advice to offer. Gentlemen please, for the love of god, no biting. Preforming cunnilingus is not like scarfing down a Whopper with cheese and the clitoris is sensitive just as testicles are sensitive.

And that's what I have to say about that.

The Dilemmas of Life!

It's funny how life sometimes hands you what you think you've always wanted but when you get it, you realize you don't want it after all. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm just one of those people who are always seeking something, seeking the next 'best thing,' whatever that may be.

I went out with HWSRN on Sunday night. Actually, I went over to his house. He made me dinner. Very sweet, but all I kept thinking about is I'd rather be out with my friends. After dinner, we chilled on the sofa, talked and listened to music. Again, very nice. Then we made out...a lot. The boy does have certain oral gifts. Did I say we made out a lot! Like several hours. That was nice too.

But if pressed to be honest, at the beginning I was totally thinking about Mr. Callous. That's most definitely a sign that I'm not into HWSRN. Another sign that I'm not into him is that it annoys me that he wants to see me every few days. According to my friends, that's what men do when they like you. Maybe I'm just not aware of such things since I always dated dysfunctional men but it just plain annoys me.

The other thing...his package isn't up to par, which is probably why I wouldn't sleep with him. No sense in adding to your numbers if he's not gonna kill it.

I think one of the reasons dating is awkward for me is because I've never been the girl that needs to have a man around to validate her existence. I like having a man around but it's not necessary. So unless I really like you, I just assume be out with my friends.

I can tell he wants more from me then I'm willing to give and the truth of the matter is that I'm not even into him enough to be selfish and want to pretend so as to keep him around. I'd rather not lead him on and cut it now then keep going and hurt his feelings.

I don't think I've been in this position before. I've ended it with assholes but never with nice guys. Well, except this one guy in high school but high school doesn't count.

Oh...wait...just remembered...he's doing me a favor for my boss’s wife...damn. Maybe I'll hold off a little longer. Damn! The dilemmas of life!

The Zen of Men

Zen - To figure out something by meditation or by a sudden flash of enlightenment; Can be applied to problems of life in general.

I went out with 'HWSRN' again on Wednesday night. We went to see a band. Nothing major, just chill. However, this evening, our interaction seemed strained. I found myself more attracted to his buddy in the band (the guy was FINE!!). I found myself feeling a little bored and there was just a general awkward vibe. I caught myself thinking, "I'm not interested in anything but friendship with HWSRN."

The whole thing made me wonder if I'm one of those annoying girls that is never happy or if I'm just not interested. Being that I've never been a big dater, I'm just not sure. Can you decide in a matter of 3 days that you're not interested? Or should that require more time to decide?

It made me think about how competitive I was in junior high and high school when I used to play volleyball. I would loose my freakin' mind because I felt the other girls weren't taking things seriously. And I mean I would absolutely loose it!

I wonder if I won't ever be happy unless I'm struggling to attain someone's attention who isn't all that interested...the struggle being all about the win, the competition. That is so not how I want to be. What a waste of energy and time it would be to be like that.

Another factor is that at present, I feel like I'm caught somewhere between the boys of my past and the men of my future. While I love my creative types, I'm an adult. I don't love the idea of getting involved with men that are all over the place. I don't mean for this to sound shallow. I'm just trying to be honest with myself. Since I'm driven and intend to live a lifestyle that affords me the ability to travel, and to shop, and to go to lunches or dinners with friends, to collect art, to donate to charities I believe in, etc.; then the men in my life need to at minimum be at the same level as I am. I dated this one guy who would always talk about let's travel to this country or visit this city but when I would actually try to make those plans happen, he never wanted to do it because he didn't have the money. It sucked.

So back to HWSRN...He invited me over for dinner on Sunday. I accepted. Partially, because I called my friend and asked her opinion, partially because I wouldn't mind a little extra curricular activity (what can I say, it's been a while), and partially because he's a nice guy and I think I'm supposed to like nice guys (right??!?).

The truth is, while I still find myself attracted to creative types, hell I'm a creative type, I notice a change. The change is I'm more and more attracted to the hot guy in a suit at Cyclone Anaya's sitting at the bar during happy hour. PS I've always though men looked hot in suits. Not sure what that's about but it's just sexy!

Another thing I don't really like about HWSRN is I think he's relationship guy. He seems to want to see me every couple of days. Which I guess is cool but in the beginning, I'm more of a once a week or once every week and a half kind of girl. I don't want to lead him but I find that there is never an appropriate time to let him know I'm seeing other men.

I guess I'll figure more out in time.

And the Winner Is...

Last night, I went on a date with a guy I met the week before at a friends gig. I'm not sure what to call him yet (By the way, I don't think I've shared this before but I won't be using any of the mens real names. That's just tacky.)...so, for the time being, my Monday night date will be called 'He who shall remain nameless' or HWSRN for short. Yea, sometimes I wonder why I think of the crap I think of too.

Anyhow, HWSRN called to see if I was still up for getting together (we made plans via text several days earlier). I told him I was. We agreed that he would come pick me up. Yes, I know I said I wouldn't let men pick me up but we met through mutual friends so that's an amendment to the rule.

The plan was we were to go salsa dancing. He knocked on my door, I invited him in, I offered him a drink and we never left the apartment. We ended up talking and getting to know each other...over cocktails, of course.

Our interaction was almost childlike. It was really sweet and comfortable. At first we were on the sofa. Than, because I needed to google something, we had to go to my room (even though I have a laptop) and we layed in my bed talking some more. Honestly, I'd been having dirty thoughts about him for the past couple of days so I hoped he would make a move. At some point, I could tell he was thinking about it but didn't and I didn't either. The first move...that's mans work :). So we kept talking and talking it turned out to be really nice! I felt close to him even though we had just met.

It made me think of Mr. Callous and how I can't remember ever feeling that close to him...EVER. And I thought, 'How sad.' Mr. Callous and I were friends for years before anything physical happened between us. To never have felt close to him. Sad. Honestly, I feel like I don't even know him, probably never will. Sad.

Around 1am, I started to get sleepy. After all, I am getting old :) and I had to be at work early the next morning. So I told HWSRN that I think I need to get to sleep. Yep, very sleepy indeed. He got up, put on his shoes and took his glass to my kitchen (considerate, huh?). I walked him to the door not really sure if our evening was a date or two buddies hanging out. I went to give him a hug goodbye and he just grabbed my face and kissed me. And you know I likes when the men folk get a little forceful. It was the kind of kiss that leaves you wanting more. So, I guess it was a date after all.

Anyway, so far HWSRN is the winner.

When You Let Your Ass Do The Talking

My mom used to tell me that the 30's are the best years of a woman's life and being that I'm half way through my 30's, I couldn't agree more. It's not to say that life is perfect. There are a lot of things that I want to do, to be, to have but there's a certain self awareness that comes to women in their 30's. I feel unstoppable, like I can do and have anything I want as long as I work toward it.

I suppose I've hit a retrospective period of my life. I've been reevaluating lovers, friendships, my career, all in an effort to find what it is that would make me happy. I don't have the answer to finding happiness. It's different for everyone but for me, I think I'm close and getting closer everyday. I have an opportunity in February (can't talk about it, don't want to curse it) that if it happens, it will mean I'll be leaving Houston (aka my comfort zone) and starting a new life in another city. If it doesn't happen, I've been thinking I may just sell everything I own, hop on a plane and move overseas for a year. My lifetime dream is to see the world. I mean really see the world, not just the tourist spots. There are so many things that I can see for myself and for the first time in my life I know it's all possible...as big as I can dream it, it can be.

As I'm starting to date new men I'm also seeing how different things can be if you simply don't allow for less. What's interesting is the more I start expecting of men, the more I'm expecting of myself. I feel like if I want a man to put forth effort, to be attractive, intelligent, educated, and so on, then I need to be that truly exceptional woman who belongs with that exceptional man. In a way, me blogging is my cheap form of therapy. It's helping me sort out things that would otherwise take me way to long to figure out. I have always seen glimpses of the exceptional being I am but just little glimpses. That person would pop in and out of my conscience but self doubt or insecurity would also pop in and out. More and more the insecurities are disappearing and the exceptional person is taking over.

I love this person and the expectations she has of others. And as I start to demand more from myself and more from others, I will be let down by fewer and fewer people. I will stop being attracted to emotionally unavailable men and one sided friendships (or at least that's the theory) and will start attaining the attention of people that are worthy of what I can offer.

I don't know, maybe I'm just talking out of my ass.

Why It's A Bad Idea To Make Out With Your Friends & Other Knowledge

A couple of weeks ago I made out with a friend...well, let me rewind and tell the story from the beginning. To make it brief, a few of years ago we met at a bar. He was new in town, we became friends, we started sleeping together. I liked him, he liked someone else, we stopped talking.

Then, out of the blue, after not speaking for about 2 years, he text messaged me telling me he was sorry and that he realized he wasn't a good person to me. That was definitely not the text message I was expecting to see. I called him. We talked for a while, caught up, etc. We basically decided we were going to be friends...I think we decided that. Although maybe not. Perhaps he just wanted to send me that text and that be the end. Not really sure.

Anyhow, a couple of weeks ago we decided to meet up at a bar. We had drinks, many drinks (ya, I know, bad idea) and before I knew it, it was late. I gave him a ride home because he rode his bike. I went upstairs...I think to watch a movie. Yes, as I write this all down I see that this was a bad idea but what can I say, I was drunk.

We hung out, he made us sandwiches, we watched a movie, and then he asked, "Do you wanna stay here tonight?" For a brief moment, I thought, "I should go home." But between the alcohol and it just feeling nice to have some intimacy with a man, I stayed.

That's the other odd thing. I hadn't spent any time with him in over 2 years. I'm not sure why it felt intimate but it did. Again, maybe the alcohol.

So needless to say, immediately after getting into bed, hands started to wander. We didn't have sex but truth be told, if he had been a bit more forceful (I love it when men get aggressive), I probably would have.

Since then, I feel like the friendship is a little strained. We've never addressed what happened and honestly, I was hoping we wouldn't have to. I really do want us to be friends. I care about him a great deal. I don't think making out once should be the breaking point of a friendship. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. I dunno.

But I will say this, if he and I do maintain a friendship which I hope we do, no more going to the other persons house in a drunken state. Because damn! I really wanted to have sex with him.

Friends aren't supposed to have sex! Right?

Do What Feels Good

I was just talking to a friend and was explaining to him that I feel like I'm in a process of letting go of several people who I've had one sided relationships with. Both romantic relationships and friendships. I think I've allowed myself to be taken for granted by a lot of people and either I've grown out of it or its pissed me off enough that it's just time to move on.

As of late, I've been releasing several people from my life. A friend of 16 years (which is tough), a disconnected f*ck buddy, and an emotional basket case of an ex-boyfriend. While it can be tough sometimes and I sometimes feel lonely, overall I feel good about it. I want people in my life that appreciate me. I figure if I can't make the people who are currently in my life appreciate me, then they'll get the boot and I'll meet some new people.

That's the thought behind having 3-4 men in rotation at all times. I just want to have fun with men. I don't want to think about what's going on between me and my emotionally stunted male companion. I don't want to wonder what's going on in his mind or concern myself with the ever popular question females tend to ask themselves, "Does he like me?" It won't matter because I'm in it for fun and when it stops being fun, well that's the end of that story.

And don't get me wrong, it's not about conquests, or control, or even sex (but sex it nice). I just want to be charmed and entertained. I haven't been having fun with the men I've been involved with. It was all so one-sided. I think that as long as I'm honest with the new men I see, I'm good. I figure I don't really owe them anything more then that. And if one day I decide that it's not fun anymore, or if one just happens to stand out above the rest then I'll reevaluate the situation and go from there.

This is the "do what feels good" phase of my life. I want to focus on more travel and keeping a strong rotation of men in my life. What can I say, I'm a simple woman.

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder...Maybe??

I've been absent for a week now and I offer my most sincere apologies! My hard drive died...I lost a lot of files...it's been very traumatic. But I'm back!

So, Date 1 was with The Producer...he was a total waist of time. We had made plans for Thursday, Dec 8th. That never happened. He called at 7pm (we had previously agreed to meet at 6pm). I decided to give him some slack for calling late since it was his birthday...bad idea. After that initial call it was a series of text messages ending at 9pm when I just went ahead and told him never mind and that it was getting late for me since I had to work in the morning. He musta' thought he was getting some birthday sex or something...WRONG! I haven't heard from him since which is fine with me. That whole thing annoyed me. One of my expectations of men at this point is they have to put forth some effort and he most certainly did not.

Moral of the story? Just like my instinct told me, don't bother with music guys any more. For some reason, as music men hit their 30s they begin to become disillusioned into thinking they are famous or rock stars or something. The truth is, they're getting old and have no career...typically speaking. Now I know that sounds harsh but ya gotta admit, it tends to be the case more often then not. My theory is dating musicians is fine in your 20s after that no thanks.


Date 2 was with French Guy. Another date I canceled. Why you ask? He just gave me the creeps. He kept pushing to pick me up instead of meeting him. Now I don't know if this is the case but I would tend to assume men know why women request to meet you out instead of you picking them up, right? Well...gentlemen, in case you don't know, it's for safety reasons. This is not the day and age that a woman can allow herself to be picked up a total stranger. Nor is it a good idea for this stranger to know where she lives. Perhaps French Guy didn't know this, after all, he is from another country but there were other things he did that creeped me out. So I just decided to go with my instinct and cancel.


I did end up getting a hold of Guy 3, we'll call him Smarty Pants. He's very intelligent. Smarty Pants ended up inviting me out Friday night. He and his buddy were already out so I met where they were. Surprising to me, I had a wonderful time! The food was excellent, great live band inside, DJ outside. Smarty Pants was very sweet. He pulled my chair out for me, was very attentive to me the whole evening, and then walked me to my car at the end of the night. It was a great night. However, while I think he's 'good on paper' (you know, he has it all together. Good job, smart, funny, successful, educated, etc, etc.), I'm just not sure if I'm attracted to him. What I do know is that I would most certainly go out with him again if he asked and if he doesn't, well then, such is life. I'm hoping he turns into one of those guys that I'm not that attracted to at first but I grow attracted to later. We shall see.

The rest of last weekend was wonderful as well. Saturday, I went out with some girlfriends and to a local wine bar and met a man there. Somehow, we got on the topic of how I've always wanted to take salsa lessons and he said he offered to take them with me. He just text me today to let me know he did some research and found a studio that is located between where he lives and where I live. EFFORT...I likes mens that put forth effort.

The only problem now is that I need to meet two more new men so that I can keep my rotation up. I wanted 3 to 4 men that I'm seeing at all times. That's not too much to ask for, is it?

Update On Artist Guy

I went to the opening last night. The Artist is in fact a cutie and he must have been at least 6'6". I likes the tall ones!

But, sad to say, he had a date...boooo date! Didn't he know I had ulterior motives? Anyhow, his buddy was cute and he was checking me out. I talked to him briefly. He was nice but short. At least compared to Artist Guy so I wasn't feelin' it. Such is life. There will be others.

Dates 1 & 2

So as promised, I'm multi-tasking. In an effort to not worry too much about any one, there will be several. The good thing here is that all 3 guys I'm taking to right now, I don't find terribly interesting. They're nice enough and I'm sure other girls would be into them, but me...ehhh. They ah-ight.

Date #1 is tomorrow with 'the Producer'. I'm probably most excited about hanging out with this one. Of course, I like my creative types! But he also has a sweetness about him and he seems smart (or at least he has a decent vocabulary while texting). Did I tell you he's cute? Really cute (that never hurts)! So that should be fun. We're going for drinks. It's his birthday...and yes, I know it's odd that he wants to be with me on his birthday, a girl he doesn't even know. Personally, I'd rather be with my friends but whatever.

Date #2 is with 'French Guy,' on Thursday. He's a guy, from France (hence, the name), that I met on campus. I actually thought he was a professor but he's not. He's a masters student. He's very cute as well and interesting but I can tell already French Guy is going to get on my nerves. He calls and texts messages me way too much already and we haven't even had our first date. He's too eager and I find it annoying. It makes me think about what men must be feeling when they complain about girls calling too often. Wow! Ladies, stop calling!

Guy #3, well, I'm not sure. I text him today (along with the others) but he didn't respond. He's the smartest of the bunch (a Phd. student) and while I can charm my way out of the fact that I've been ignoring the first two, this one is too smart. So I'll wait a couple of days (I'm in no hurry) and give him a call.

But I can't help but think, I don't want to spend time with any of them on the weekend. I'd rather go out with my friends. I suppose that's the tell tale sign that your not into someone. There is someone I'm kind of liking but I'm trying to talk my self out of it...I'm just not prepared to talk about it yet.

Also, last night at the coffee shop, the owners were hanging some new art. The artist, well can you say magnifique; his art work...ehh. Anyway, the opening is tonight. There's gonna be an exchange of information.

The Catalyst

Ok, so today, I’m going to admit some things I’ve not really wanted to admit. It’s harder then one would think to really put your feelings out on the internet. I’m sure this sounds a bit odd but it’s a little nerve racking knowing people will read your thoughts. And without further ado...

The first catalyst in my deciding to start this blog is the fact that when I look around, I feel general disappointment in men, more specifically, the men of my life. But don't think I'm man bashing. I'm not saying there aren't any good men. I KNOW there are plenty. I love men. But there is something I am doing, something I am allowing, that brings disappointing men into my life. Something that leads me from one relatively insignificant man to the next. Something that holds me in the pattern of being a serial casual dater.

The next catalyst is the last guy I was involved with. This is particularly hard for me to write about. I hate admitting that a man affected me emotionally. Lucky for me, he doesn’t know about this blog.

So, this is the long and short of it. We were friends first. I believe for about 3 or 4 years. Let’s call him ‘Mr. Callous.’ One day, I went to his house to watch movies (something we always did) but this time my ego was injured from the guy I was seeing before that. So as always, Mr. Callous made a pass at me. This time I didn’t refuse his advances.

From that point on, we had a sexual relationship that lasted for about a year. I’d go to his place, we’d watch movies, we’d have sex. Then I met another guy, ‘Music Man,’ started dating him and stopped going to see Mr. Callous. Although to be honest, Music Man wasn’t the only reason I stopped spending time with Mr. Callous. I had started to grow tired of the routine of the relationship with Mr. Callous plus, by that point, I had concluded that Mr. Callous was the MOST emotionally stunted, cold man I had ever dealt with. And remember, I’m the girl who’s attracted to emotionally unavailable men. And if there ever was a casebook study of an emotionally stunted man, Mr. Callous fits the profile to a tea!

So, Music Man and I stopped seeing each other after about 6 months. He told me he loved me on Friday and broke up with me on Saturday. Nice, huh? After that, I comfortably slipped back into seeing Mr. Callous. This is leading to where he and I are today.

Mr. Callous and I went back to seeing each other every other week or so and I went back to go to his place, watching movies and having sex. So you see, he and I were never anything. I wanted to share the background with you so that you can understand, as did I, that there was no illusion about what we were.

However, there were a few things that really bothered me. He never, ever wanted to hang out with me or do anything other than me go to his place, he wouldn’t kiss me good bye (I mean come on...you were inside me just 5 hours earlier), he never called or text to check on me (which he used to do when we were just friends). And if we had started out as sex partners it would have been one thing, but we were friends...once upon a time, or so I thought.

There were other things too. Things he once started to talk to me about but when he asked what he had done to hurt my feelings, I told him I couldn’t remember. A half-truth. Of course I remembered but they were small, insignificant things that from a man’s point of view (especially him) would sound trivial and they were. But those trivial things were illustrations of the core issue, he could give a f*ck less about me. Perhaps I should have talked to him then but that’s when I was seeing Music Man and Music Man, for a short while, seemed like the sweetest, most charming boy in the whole wide world. I just felt like it didn’t matter at that point.

So...about a month ago, I called Mr. Callous. Told him I had feelings for him, which in retrospect, I think I meant to say I’m feeling disrespected and unappreciated by him and it hurts my feelings. Either way, this is how it went:

Me: “I have feelings for you.”
Mr. Callous: “I understand. I’ve been through this before.”
Me: “Ok?!??!??” *left speechless at the lack of felling from Mr. Callous*
Mr. Callous: “I hope that we can still maintain our friendship.”
Me: *in my mind* Do we have a friendship anymore? Have we ever? But I never responded.
Mr. Callous: “You there?”
Me: “Yea...well, ok then.”
*end scene*

We didn’t talk for a couple of weeks but kept text messaging and flirting. I went to his place, we watched movies and had sex. This time, however, during sex I went to kiss him and he wouldn’t kiss me. I asked why. He didn’t speak. “Why won’t you kiss me!?” He says, “We both just woke up,” as if to insinuate morning breath. I was so insulted and hurt. We’ve been doing this for how long?? You can f*ck me but you won’t kiss me?? It made me feel like he looked at me as if I were some sort of prostitute. I almost got up and left at that moment but I didn’t want to have a conversation with him, I didn’t want the drama. We finished...excuse me, he finished, I finished myself and we went to sleep, and in usual form, he at one far end of the bed, me on the other. I hate to admit this but I actually got teary eyed as I layed there in bed with him. I put it out of my head and fell asleep.

My phone alarm woke me up the next morning. I got up to turn it off and I thought, “What the hell am I doing here? If I have any respect for myself, I’m getting the hell out up out this bitch.” And that is exactly what I did. I got up, got dressed, gathered my belongings and left while he slept. I have no idea what he thinks was the reason for my departure. Knowing men, knowing him, he probably thinks I just cared too much for him and it was just too hard. But it wasn’t that. I just felt that he cared too little, if any at all. I felt disappointed and disrespected. And I thought, “If he doesn’t care, well then, I won’t either.

It’s been a few weeks now. We haven’t spoken. I have not called him, he not me. I think about him daily. That will go away. It always does.

The real truth of the matter is that if I wanted a relationship, I'd be in one. Everything else I've ever really wanted, I make happen. So why would this be any different. One thing I most certainly know that I want from a man is NOT the relationship (because honestly, that freaks me out a bit) but instead, I want to know that there is a possibility of whatever it is we are doing turning into something more over time...if we both want that. It’s really difficult for me to verbalize what I want from a man other then that.

In giving into serial dating, I’m hoping to remove the pressure women put upon themselves to find “someone special.” Why do we raise out girls like that? To believe that they are less then whole without a man. And even though my mother raised me to be independent and to never depend on a man, she showed me by her actions to depend.

And here I am, an extremely independent single woman who for the most part, is happy being single, who enjoys the company of men, who hopes to one day have a relationship but who knows some things still need to be worked through. I will not have what my mother had. My mother was an amazing woman who deserved so much more. And while I’m not perfect, I’m a good person, I’m a good woman and one day someone will be lucky to have me in his life.

So, now it's time to work.

**Disclaimer: Mr. Callous wasn't horrible. We did have some fun times and I'm sure he would have an entirely different perspective on the matter.

The Criteria

Being that this blog and this mode of thought is a slight shift in perception for me, I want to set up some ground rules. Do understand, over the past week I have had several "ah ha moments" (gotta love Oprah for coining that term) that have led me to acknowledge that fact that my entire dating history has been serial casual dating. The thing that's different in my mode of thought is I've decided to release the need to seek love and begin to simply seek fun.

Also, I intend to force myself against my own instincts to date as many man as possible and to force myself to not be so closed off, so picky and to start giving men a chance. I vito men way too quickly and then say to my friends, "I never meet any men." The reality is I meet men all the time, I just won't take there calls or answer their texts messages, etc.

Another thing that has to change is my reluctance to go on dates. I think, because I spent the majority of my teens through 20's with 'Stupid #1' (that's what we'll call him and believe it or not, he knows I call him that and finds it endearing) I missed out on all the dating you're supposed to be doing during that time. So for me, going on dates is uncomfortable and honestly I'm still trying to figure out what I should expect from a date. If you have any ideas, please do share!

So anyway, I figure I need to set up some ground rules for my 'study.' Something that I can refer to periodically to remind myself of what it is I want and need out of my 'research.' From time to time, I'm sure there will be exceptions to the rules but I just want a general guideline. The list will be a living document and will be updated as I'm made aware of deal breakers, or general behaviors that displease me. So here we go with the list:

1. SHINEY & NEW. The men I date must be 'new.' Men I have no history with. While there are a few men from my past I still think about...well to put it plainly, the shit didn't work the first time, why keep slamming my head into a brick wall?

2. SEXY, SEXY. I've got to be physically attracted to a man I'm involved with or at minimal find him charming enough that I could see becoming attracted to him in the future.

3. A for EFFORT. The men I date have to put forth a bit of effort. I'm not asking for the world but, I'm a girl, I want to be wooed a little. Charm me a bit, make me feel special. Over are the days of me being layed up in your apartment watching movies night after night. I intend to put forth effort as should you.

4. SMOOCHES. This is more of a deal breaker, one I recently discovered. I had been involved with this guy on and off for quite some time. He was always a little weird about kissing, which I always found insulting but I let it go. However, the last time I saw him he refused to kiss me during sex. I was so insulted I almost walked out during the act but I didn't want the drama, I didn't want a conversation, so I finished. The next morning I left while he was asleep. We haven't talked since. This is the point, if we're sleeping together, I like you, it doesn't mean I want to marry you, or a be in a relationship with you but I need to know you like me too. Don't make me feel like I'm simply a vessel for you to expel your sexual energies into.

5. SAFETY FIRST. Gentlemen, why in this day and age would you ever think it's a good idea to invite a girl to your home for a first date? Aside from thinking the obvious, "Maybe she'll have sex with me." But really, it's not safe for you or her. And ladies, if you do make this rookie move and go to a man's house for a first date, at least text message his name and address to a friend. Hell, I let my friends know who I'm with and where I am for about the first month. Can't ever be too careful. Needless to say, I won't be going to your place for the first date.

Maybe I'll Start My Study Early?

Just a few moments ago I got a call from a guy I met last week at my friends show. He is actually one of the reasons I started thinking about being a serial casual dater. Really cute, seemed nice enough, there was a spark, did I mention really cute? Anyhow, it was going ok, considering the fact that it was a loud live music venue and I was drunk. And then he did it...said unthinkable..."I'm a producer."

Now let's get something straight. At a certain age, if you aren't earning a living at music, production, art, acting, etc., then it's a hobby. And having a hobby is fine. It's great! But let's just be real. But I digress.

My first thought was to ask him what he does to pay the bills but that would have been rude and I didn't want to disrupt such a pleasant flirtation. Normally, he would have been weeded out. Actually, he was weeded out. He text me the next day and in usual form, I neglected to respond. So today, he called, which is big in my book. I hate that men only text message. So, in the spirit of serial dating, I answered.

I threw on my friendliest, most flirty voice and said, "Hey you!" Gentlemen: If you're new in my life there's a good chance I won't remember your name. Nothing personal, I've just always been bad with names. So if you hear a "Hey you," that means I don't remember. But don't be offended if I've know you for a while. I've grown accustomed to saying 'Hey you' a lot now.

Anyway, we chatted for a moment. The typical 'I don't know you chit chat.' I told him I've been super busy. He said he wanted to see me and I let him know I'd be free next week after the 8th. Turns out the 8th is his birthday.

Guess who accepted her first date? And so my study begins one month early of 2011.

Man, the Perfect Compliment to Woman

Perhaps you're curious about what brought me to the conclusion that I'm a serial casual dater. Maybe not, but I’m going to explain anyway.

I spent most of my teens and 20s with one man and from about 25 to 30 with another. Now, when I say 'spent,' I should clarify. One would assume that I infer a lengthy relationship but that's not the case. With both men, it was an odd, back and forth, on again off again relationship that wasn't healthy and didn't make either of us particularly happy.

Being that I had these back and forth relationships, I dated in between. Through all the dating, the relationships, the hook ups, the younger men, the older men and so on, I have expected two things: respect and sincerity but I searched for love. Most likely, the love I never received from my own father. Freudian? Yes, but probably dead on.

I understand you can't change a person, and really, you shouldn't want to. But, in letting someone be true to who they are, you have to be true to who you are. And for me respect is the deal breaker. The thing that makes me walk away without so much as a word.

At this point, I know myself. I know what it takes to make me happy and I know what I want. Number one, I want a strong, fulfilling career. I don’t see myself having children. I don’t believe in making the man in my life the center of it. And while I do hope to one day have a healthy relationship, I’m in no hurry. I’d rather wait and have that healthy relationship then have someone now and live in chaos.

Typically, when I meet men, I turn them down, or don't answer, or give a fake number, or don't reply to text's, or say I'm married, have a boyfriend, have a job, a class, have to wash my hair, and so on. I'm going to start accepting these dates, if for no other reason then to prove my friends wrong in thinking I'm too picky and closed off.

In saying all of this, I mean to show that basically, my entire dating life has been casual serial dating. One guy to the next. No one that's too terribly memorable. Often, I can't remember what man my friends are asking about. One goes away, another one comes along...

I figure that if I had blogged my love life until this point it would have been a best seller or at minimal, it would have made a few people laugh. I'm certain 2011 will be no different. So here's to a serial casual dating in 2011.