Abuse & Your Adult Sex Life

I'm still involved with the same two men: Baby and Mr. Callous. For some reason, I can't seem to release either one of them, so I'm keeping them both for the time being. But who I'm seeing isn't relevant for now. It's what I've come to realize due to the fact that I'm sleeping with two men.

Baby is so amazingly good to me. And in bed, he is romantic and affectionate and loving (don't jump to an conclusions, no L words have been spoken). Baby wants to hold me and look into my eyes and give me body rubs and all that good stuff. What does that do? It makes me feel smothered. I literally catch myself physically backing away from him because he's too in my face. Aren't women supposed to want that from there men?

Mr. Callous simply wants to f*ck the sh*t out of me. It's passionate, and aggressive. He spanks me (hard) and pulls my hair. He's kinky and experimental, he hardly ever kisses me which pisses me off more than I can explain.

Now who do you suppose I like having sex with more? DING, DING, DING, DING, DING! That's right, Mr. Callous. Now I believe in the past, I described him as being inattentive and a bit lazy in bed but for whatever reason, he's gotten back in the game and it's been great!

I explain all that to pose a question. Did my having grown up in a home where my father was abusive to my mother influence what I like in bed?

I attempted to do a little research on the subject but couldn't find a whole lot (sure, I didn't research too terribly much but I tried). My instinct is that my childhood horrors did indeed follow me into my adult bedroom. I'm not sure what made Mr. Callous who he is today but there is an oddness within him. He's a self proclaimed sadist. I believe he has respect for women, on the other hand, I also believe he holds women in contempt. I certainly find it to be evident in his love making style (P.S. I hate the term love making). It seems at times he can't even look me in the eye for very long. I know it's not about me. We've known each other too long. So if I sense that things from his past have influenced him sexually than surely my history is reflected in my sex.

Aren't there some men out there who are really nice, emotionally mature and sexually aggressive? Or is the choice left available for women: good sex, unhealthy relationship or healthy relationship, bad sex? Or, is it just me with the issues, therefore I'm not attracted to emotionally healthy men?