Never Apologize for Showing Feeling

One of my goals for doing this blog is to not only figure out what I want and need in a relationship but also to learn about who I am with and without a man in my life. I've had two long term relationships and both were a long time ago and both were less than ideal. Not that they were bad men because they weren't but when you bring two dysfunctional people together well...tada. Dysfunction.

I'm really trying to work on being real with men which is extremely difficult. I do realize that by saying that, it sounds like I'm saying that I don't show my personality. That's not true. I have a big personality and I have no problem showcasing it. My problem is that I put on a facade of being a woman who doesn't need anyone and that translates to men viewing me in a certain light. I'm not exactly sure how I can better explain that. I know this is a bit vague but I'm trying.

I grew up with a wonderful mother who felt trapped in an abusive relationship. I also grew up hearing my wonderful mom tell me, "You never want to put yourself in a position that leaves you dependent on a man." So there is something deeply internalized within me that believes it's weak to want partner in my life or (here's the worst of the worst) to want to get married because those two things lead to dependence on a man and than what? It is physically uncomfortable for me to say aloud that I want these things and I literally have a hard time getting the words out when I try.

It's odd, the more I date the more I realize that I don't necessarily want the typical relationship but I DO want a relationship, something real. I'm 36 years old and have never lived with a man romantically, I've never said, "I love you" to a man. I'm a person that needs to have my own space. I want my own life, my own interests. I am wildly independent and am very proud of it and I don't understand what it is I'm doing that attracts men that don't want the similar.

Through dating, I have also learned how ignorant I am when it comes to how to think like you’re "in a relationship" because really, I've never had to do it before. I've only had to think of myself. I'm not a selfish person but if you’re single long enough you just become set in your ways (as my boss put it).

I realize that I'm a bit all over the place but this is my small effort to be honest.

Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth. ~Benjamin Disraeli