Abuse & Your Adult Sex Life

I'm still involved with the same two men: Baby and Mr. Callous. For some reason, I can't seem to release either one of them, so I'm keeping them both for the time being. But who I'm seeing isn't relevant for now. It's what I've come to realize due to the fact that I'm sleeping with two men.

Baby is so amazingly good to me. And in bed, he is romantic and affectionate and loving (don't jump to an conclusions, no L words have been spoken). Baby wants to hold me and look into my eyes and give me body rubs and all that good stuff. What does that do? It makes me feel smothered. I literally catch myself physically backing away from him because he's too in my face. Aren't women supposed to want that from there men?

Mr. Callous simply wants to f*ck the sh*t out of me. It's passionate, and aggressive. He spanks me (hard) and pulls my hair. He's kinky and experimental, he hardly ever kisses me which pisses me off more than I can explain.

Now who do you suppose I like having sex with more? DING, DING, DING, DING, DING! That's right, Mr. Callous. Now I believe in the past, I described him as being inattentive and a bit lazy in bed but for whatever reason, he's gotten back in the game and it's been great!

I explain all that to pose a question. Did my having grown up in a home where my father was abusive to my mother influence what I like in bed?

I attempted to do a little research on the subject but couldn't find a whole lot (sure, I didn't research too terribly much but I tried). My instinct is that my childhood horrors did indeed follow me into my adult bedroom. I'm not sure what made Mr. Callous who he is today but there is an oddness within him. He's a self proclaimed sadist. I believe he has respect for women, on the other hand, I also believe he holds women in contempt. I certainly find it to be evident in his love making style (P.S. I hate the term love making). It seems at times he can't even look me in the eye for very long. I know it's not about me. We've known each other too long. So if I sense that things from his past have influenced him sexually than surely my history is reflected in my sex.

Aren't there some men out there who are really nice, emotionally mature and sexually aggressive? Or is the choice left available for women: good sex, unhealthy relationship or healthy relationship, bad sex? Or, is it just me with the issues, therefore I'm not attracted to emotionally healthy men?

Gotta Vent

Yesterday was an amazing day! I went to a flight school in Cypress, took a tour around the city in a four passenger plane and than had a flight lesson. It was incredible! I invited Baby, big mistake! I thought it would be a nice gesture since he normally pays for everything. I knew I should have just invited a friend. He said he hated it, said it was scary. You know what I say? "BOOOOOO, man up."

Anyway, after that he proceeds to pick on me for the remainder of the day. Nothing big, just lots of little things. He didn't like the capri's I was wearing; he said I can't cook (he's never tried my cooking); he complained about the highway I took on the way back; he decided it was alright to come up behind me and see who was texting me and what was being said, then tells me that one of my best friends is ugly (Not cool! You can't talk about my friend like that!). And on and on it went. The entire day! Now I know you're thinking, "Why didn't she just ask him to leave?" Good question. The answer...well, I wanted to have sex. What can I say, I'm human.

Right before he finally left I asked, "So, what's up with you today?" Baby says, "What do you mean?" "I mean you've been negative and picking on me all day. What's the deal?" "I mean, I just didn't like the plane ride."

I guess disliking a single activity gives you the right to be an ass for the rest of the day. Who knew??

This is what I find interesting. I'm sure Baby and I will make up (meaning he's going to apologize :) and that will be that. What I like is that more and more, I’m verbalizing my thoughts instead of just letting go of the things that bother me. Why should I be silent all of the time? Which is exactly what I've done in the past. I tend to dismiss my feelings in order to keep the peace, a little trick my mom taught me growing up. Of course my mother was dealing with a different beast entirely.

It's kind of sad because I think a lot of women do this. What in our society tells women and girls to silence themselves? Our thoughts and desires are just as important as any mans thoughts and desires, yet we tend to hold back. The thing I'm learning more and more is that I don't have to be silent and if someone doesn't like what I have to say, they can leave. The world won't come to an end and life will go on as usual.

Conflicted

AHHHHHHHHH!!

As of yesterday, I thought I should probably end things with the guy I'm seeing. Then today came. Le Sigh...

First, I have to explain that he - I'll call him Baby. And yes, that is in fact his pet name. - and I only see each other twice a week or so, which works great for me cause I likes my 'me' time. So we hadn’t spent much time together in the past week and a half. We hung out today. We went for breakfast and to a design market. Being with him was so nice! When I'm with Baby I realize I've been missing him but strangely, when I don't see him I don't really think of him much at all. How normal is that? Really, I'm asking??

I just can't quite figure out if I trying to sabotage one of the best relationship I've have with a man in a while, or if I'm not really feelin' it and am trying to make myself feel more or, is it really his lack of ambition that keeps me somewhat detached?

Did I mention I regressed, back to Mr. Callous? We'll talk more about how that happened on another day. Anyhow, I really shouldn't call it regression. I think it could have easily been a regression if I had felt all lovey over him bit I didn't. It's very strange with he and I. I know he cares for me (Now don't get me wrong, care can mean a lot of things.) but not enough to make whatever it is we have between us ever mean anything. For whatever reason, when it pertains to me, he is limited and the truth is I don't think I really care...anymore. Do I wish things could be different? Of course I do. But there not and that's all there is to that.

So, I spent the night with Mr. Callous on Friday night. It wasn't platonic. Considering how attractive I find him, there was absolutely no passion. The sex was good but in a mechanical way. And again, he wouldn't kiss me.

What's odd is that I wasn't sad about it or mad or anything. Maybe I should have been but who knows. It's strange because when I don't see him, I miss him, I miss talking to him, I want to tell him what's going on in my daily life but then when I'm actually with him physically, I'm detached and feel like we don't have much to say to each other. Perhaps that's a defense mechanism. I'm not sure.

What's even more odd is that he seems to care about the fact that I find him to be the most detached person I've ever known. I'm not sure why he would care about what I think being that I'm relatively unimportant to him.

Either way, I think Friday night may have been our last time on the Ferris wheel. It's just plain silly at this point. I remember Mr. Callous telling me, "I hope we can be friends still." Well, I sincerely hope he'll be ok with us just being friends. Over the past month, I can see more clearly that we're better off as just friends. He actually talks to me like I'm a person or when we're just friends. It's just better off.

Well, I felt that I had to confess my excursion with Mr. Callous because...just because. I think it's a way for me to confess to Baby without actually telling Baby. I've never actually cheated on anyone before, although I'm really not sure if it would be considered cheating. We haven't really had 'the talk' yet but Baby did once make a point to let me know he isn't sleeping with anyone but me. I know it would hurt him. There is no one I would want to hurt less. I feel like I'm just trying to be level heading about getting involved and potentially getting into a relationship. I know I wouldn't be happy grinding each and every day and the person I'm with is just chillin'. Don't get me wrong, he most certainly works but...I'll just say he's a lot more laid back then I am. If finance is the top factor that destroys relationship and I know that it would be a problem for me personally, then aren't I simply making a wise decision?

I'd really love some feedback here. I'm so conflicted.

Re-Cap on the Past Few Months

Needless to say, the past few months have been difficult, but I will say, you learn a lot about yourself in tough times. Anyhow, I've been seeing someone pretty regularly since December. After my accident, I thought he'd disappear but he stuck around. He's definitely one of those good men I was hoping to meet. He has been absolutely amazing to me in so many ways. But, (you had to know there was a but coming), I think I've finally figured out why I would never let myself get too into him. He completely lacks drive. It's taken me a little while to really figure this one out but there you have it. I've talked to him and asked him what he sees for his future and he doesn't know. That would be fine if we were in our 20's, but that's not the case.

So this is the dilemma, how do I end something with one of the nicest guys I've dated in long while? I do have to admit, I'm excited at the thought of starting to date again.

Having Your Wings Clipped

So, I am very aware of the fact that I've been absentee for quite some time now. The reason you ask? I've had no motivation to write for the past several weeks. On January 7th, I was in an accident. I broke both my ankles leaving me unable to walk or pretty much do anything for myself. But don't worry, this is just temporary. That's not to say the accident wasn't bad, because it was. However, I will get through it...in about 4 to 6 months.

Now that we've got most of the who, what, where, when, why's out of the way. Let me explain what's been going on these past several weeks. First, I need to explain that one of the things I'm most proud of about myself is my fierce sense of independence. I don't like to lean on people, I don't feel comfortable asking for help, I truly believe in doing for myself and handling things on my own. This accident has forced me to need my friends and family more than I have ever needed them before. I'm in a wheelchair right now and am not able to put any pressure on either foot. What that means is that the simplest of tasks are made difficult or impossible. For example, the wheelchair doesn't fit into my friends bathroom so I would have to ask my friend I was staying with to bring me a couple of bowls of water to wash my face. Another example, I need help getting dressed and pulling up my sweatpants (I say sweatpants, because that's all I've been wearing for the past three weeks. Don't judge me :).

The next thing I need to explain is that the person in life that I most depended on was my mother who past away three years ago this coming May. So, in addition to being terrified to do anything on my own, the person I most felt comforted by, the one who I allowed myself to lean on is gone. I have a sister who I love dearly but she's a mess and my father is almost 80 years old. The day before I was discharged from the hospital, I was literally in tears, sobbing to my friend that I have no one, that it is just me. Amazingly, my friend Kathleen and her husband took me in and helped me adjust. I stayed with them for the first 2 1/2 weeks. I am more grateful to them then I can ever explain. They took me into there home at my lowest, most vulnerable point and were there for me when all I could do was cry while sitting in the hospital gown I was sent home in. They made an awkward, uncomfortable situations more bearable with kindness, love and respect. Everyday, when I think about what they did and are still doing for me, I am amazed that I could be so lucky as to have people who love me so much that they were willing to extend themselves in such a fashion. Especially factoring in that they have two kids and an aging father in their household to attend to. I am eternally grateful to Kathy and Vyk because I absolutely do not know what I would have done without them.

The next phase of this healing process is me getting back home and starting to put my life back together. Enter my dear friend Faith. I am back home now and Faith stepped up and offered to help me at home which basically means she is living with me and attending to my needs. She has been amazing! I've know her since were were young girls in "the scene" and one thing I know about the scene is that few real friendships are formed within it. Instead, you meet people you only see at night time, at the club or in the bar. But Faith, knowing me for such a long time, has made a depressing and frustrating situation easier for me to deal with by her humor, kindness and empathy. Again, I do not know what I would do without her in my life.

Then there are the others. People in my life who have shown me that it is ok to be vulnerable and to lean on others when you are down. Thank you Melanie for teaching me how to give myself an injection, dad for being the rock that I need, Jahrel for building the ramp, Krystal & Dustin for your words of support and for making me laugh, Jade for running errands for me, Jay for just being you, Kam for dealing with the landlord, Nicole for your companionship. I am certain I am not remembering everyone who has been there for me through this process but ya gotta cut me some slack, I had my third and final surgery today so I'm a bit out of it still.

Obviously, I'm taking a step back from dating for the time being. However, as it turns out, there are actually a couple of reasons. Sometimes a man will stand out and surprise you and force to take notice. But more about that later.

Sexual Frustration

SEX! I can't stop thinking about it! I think the worst time in a human life is the time right after frequent sex with a partner stops and the lull until the next time a man f*cks the sh*t out of me...OH, opps...ahhhh, who said that??

For whatever reason, the first couple of months of no sex are the absolute worst for me. It's all I can think about and it sucks (not it the literal way).

So last night, I de-virginized my blog. I let one of the men I wrote about know that the blog exists. The guy you ask? He's the friend I made out with (refer to 'Why It's Bad to Make Out With Friends & Other Knowledge'). Let's call him B.U.D.D.Y.



B.U.D.D.Y is the first and only man I plan on informing. But this is the thing, I told him about the blog before we made out and I had told him I would send him the link. He asked me about it a couple times so being he already knew, I just went ahead and fessed up. I informed B.U.D.D.Y that there was an entry about him.

I immediately went back and read it. I stated that I wanted to have sex with him *blushing*. For a moment, I thought about deleting the entry but I thought, "It's what I felt and was thinking at the time, so it stays!" The blog is all about me being honest with myself and with men, so what if I get a little embarrassed. Life will go on.

Momentary pause, B.U.D.D.Y and I joke a lot and we both tend to be sarcastic. So we kept texting each other and at the end of a text he says, "My drunk sandwiches are awesome btw," (you just had to read the whole stream of text's). At that moment, I knew he read it. After that point, a couple of borderline dirty text messages were exchanged.

So basically, between no sex and the text messages, I've been sent over the edge. Sexual frustration is the absolute worst!

The List of No's

Once upon a time, for a short while, I wrote for this music blog. One thing they were super big on was lists. List of venues, lists of artists, lists of clubs, lists of bars, lists of why an album sucked, and so on. If you can think of it there was a list. So in remembrance of the little blog that's not so little anymore, here's my list of the things women should walk away from.

1. Men who aren't upfront with there intentions. This is a bit tricky because really, how do you know if a man is being upfront.

2. Men that are unable or unwilling to communicate. You don't have to share everything with me but we've got to be able to communicate the things we like/dislike.

3. Men who won't wine & dine you. If a man's not willing to treat you as if you are special, it's because you're not.

4. "Come to my place and watch movies guy." He's the worst! Or perhaps I'm just a little bitter right now being I just walked away from that guy. My theory here is if he doesn't want to take you out in public, he doesn't give a damn about you. Waste of time. Next...

5. Men who won't introduce you to friends & family. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you should know his clan in the first month. But it by the third month you still haven't met anyone he knows, the red flags should be flying.

6. "Won't kiss you guy." Same as above but pisses me off even more. Before Mr. Callous, I didn't even know men like this existed. Silly me for thinking kissing was just a normal part of sex and foreplay.

Words of Wisdom From a Stranger

Just met this guy on Twitter. Let's call him DC. I thought DC was trying to hit on me but it turns out he is just networking (he hit me up on my personal Twitter page). We ended up chatting for a while on Messenger. Somehow we started talking about relationships, etc. He's married and decided to grace me with some knowledge.

DC
soooooo are you looking for the right guy? 6:57 PM

ME
The right guy...is there such a thing?? Yes, I would like to meet someone but I'm kind of working on some things first. I think I attract the wrong kind of men. Gotta work on some things on myself so that I don't do that any longer. 6:59 PM

DC
what does that mean attract the wrong kind of men? 6:59 PM

ME
I always end up involved with emotionally unavailable men. I just got out of something that lasted a year and a half but I knew the whole while it was going no where. 7:01 PM
Did you get into FB drama with the Mrs? lol 7:01 PM

DC
no no drama on the facebook thing....just had a few reasons....really I just think it served its purpose I contacted a few people and that was that..... 7:03 PM
emotionally unavailable that it is a new term...explain 7:03 PM

ME
lol 7:03 PM
let's see. 7:03 PM

DC
oh no offense but are you caucasion or mexican? 7:04 PM
I couldn't tell in your pic 7:04 PM

ME
See, now I'm mad...why does every dark haired girl have to be latina...I'm Armenian and Greek. 7:05 PM
I'm not really mad 7:05 PM

DC
lol...oh ok... 7:05 PM
do you speak Greek? 7:05 PM

ME
I used to. Can still understand it but can't jump into a convo. So are you mexican or black? I couldn't tell. 7:06 PM

DC
black...sorry hope I didn't offend you. 7:06 PM

ME
I am soooo playing with you!!! I tend to be a bit sarcastic and sometimes I offend people. Being that I don't know you, please let me know if I offend you. K? 7:07 PM

DC
oh I'm ok... 7:08 PM
so were you born and raised in Houston or did you move to the US at a young age? 7:08 PM

ME
Born in Chicago, then moved to Greece for 5 years, then to Houston. Been here ever since. Houston is no bueno 7:09 PM

DC
ok so back to the emotionally unavailable thing? 7:11 PM

ME
ohhhh...got distracted again. Like the last guy I was seeing. He and I were friends for a few years and he would always make passes at me but we were just friends. He told me all along he's not looking for a relationship. Not sure how but there we were in it and he was always very closed off to me. He was selfish and in truth, I didn't get much from the 'relationship.' Knowing he's not looking for a relationship and not into me and me still getting involved = me picking emotionally unavailable men. 7:16 PM
Does that kind of make sense? 7:17 PM

DC
a little 7:17 PM
sounds like he just didn't express his emotions well 7:18 PM
and you wanted a man that could express them well...or "make them available" 7:18 PM

ME
Emotionally unavailable - usually refers to those who create barriers between themselves and others in an effort to avoid emotional intimacy.
I googled it. lol 7:19 PM

DC
that's about 80 percent of men right? 7:20 PM

ME
LMAO! Go my gosh...that is too funny. Well then, I'm screwed. 7:20 PM

DC
I'm just asking....let me tell you 7:21 PM
we men do have emotions stirring up inside of us 7:21 PM
but often do not know how to share them especially if we didn't grow up expressing them. 7:22 PM
science will make it seem like we intentionally just block everything out and its not like that 7:22 PM
we are made as protectors and providers and that is our instinct to do those types of things 7:22 PM
so the things that women think about we don't think about those things 7:23 PM
or shouldn't say that 7:23 PM
the priority isn't the same 7:23 PM

Choices & Expectations

Choice - power of choosing; care in selecting; to be preferred.

Expectation - The prospect of the future; grounds upon which something excellent is expected to happen; prospect of anything good to come.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the concepts of choice and expectation. Here in the US, we live in an environment of limitless choices and possibilities. For the most part, as long as we strive for to attain our goals, the possibilities are endless. We are truly the architects of our own lives. This is one of the great things about our society. However, the idea that 'I can always do better' or 'Something better is just around the corner' are notions that really don't work in romantic situations. If you are constantly seeking the next best thing, and it's just around the next corner, then there it will be. Why? Because you're not fully in the moment and you're not committed to the relationship you've got. It's naive to expect romantic relationships to be all giggles and smiles every minute of every day. Every relationship has its problems, it's how you choose to handle problems as they arise that makes the difference.

A sense of multiple alternatives, of unlimited possibility, breeds in us the illusion that perfection does in fact exist somewhere out there, if only we could find it. Ultimately, our excess of choice leads to a lack of intimacy. How is anyone going to compare to this perfect person who's out there somewhere just waiting to be found? It creates doubt about this person you are currently involved with, who seems to be a good partner, but who knows what else may be out there for you?

Intimacy takes time to develop. If you are constantly wandering in and out of romantic situations you are never allowing the time it takes to establish real intimacy with a partner. And isn't intimacy the 'feel good' part of a relationship? And I'm not referring to physical intimacy, you can have sex with anyone and it mean very little but feel great never the less. Instead, I'm referring to emotional intimacy. The thing that puts you in tune with another human being.

I think a lot of women simply let their lives happen to them. Life IS a series of choices, a concept that men seem to understand. Women, however, tend to seek out that one 'perfect person,' who doesn't exist, and then settles into the status quo. Which I suppose is fine for some, but I want something different then the status quo. For me, things don't have to look the same way as every other woman's life does in American society.

In creating this blog and in accepting as many dates as possible, I'm trying to decipher what's right for me as an individual, not what's "right" for our collective society. Growing up in a dysfunctional home, in some ways, has given me an insight that I am lucky to posses. On the other hand, it has made it difficult for me to open up to men or to trust men. In the recent past, I choose only emotionally detached men because it was safe in some odd way. Safe yet never fulfilling. I don't want that anymore. I guess these are some of the core issues I am hoping to work through. In attempting to work on myself, my expectations of men are also beginning to shift. And here we are again, back to expectations.

This is the thing about my expectations. They are not about wanting something so utterly impossible or so monumental that it can never be, thereby leaving me with a constant feeling of disappointment in men. My expectations of men are about respect, consideration, honesty, about a man putting forth effort if he wants to be in my life in any capacity. I expect the same things of my friendships yet it is only recently that I have begun to expect this of men. Why? Again, that damn dysfunctional home...

I want to work on me so that I can be the best possible me, not perfection because that's an illusion...the perfect me, what ever that is. I what to date the masses so that I can find out what it is that makes ME happy and unhappy in romantic situations. I want to erase the damage my parents did by watching their relationship and I want to erase the fabrications we as girls grow up watching on tv...the happily ever after, the Rachael and Ross, the love at first sight, all of which are a farce.

One Thing I Do Know, Is That I Don't Know

It's been a little over a month now and Mr. Callous and I have not spoken. I figured that by this point I would not be thinking about him as much as I am...still am. I think of him often. Not in the fixated, psycho way, but he does pass through my mind more often then I am comfortable with. I catch myself wondering if he thinks of me.

I almost text messaged him on Christmas but decided I shouldn't. I've thought to call him a couple of times but didn't. I feel that even though I'm the one that left his apartment that morning while he slept, he should be the one to reach out for me if we are to ever have a friendship again.

My whole issue with him was with what appeared to be his lack of concern for me and his complete disconnect. So I don't think it's too much to expect him to open himself to me in this tiny manner. A phone call is a simple thing.

We were always able to talk to each other. I don't know where or when that was lost. The closeness that we once had is gone and hasn't been present for a long while. I wonder if he noticed it's absence or if he ever felt that same closeness to me.

I used to joke with him about how emotionally stunted he was and he would argue with me about it. He said he was capable of intimacy but just didn't want a relationship. I wonder if I changed or if he did. I tend to think we both changed our behaviors toward each other. The reality of things for me is that while I am able to and have had purely sexual relationships, I can't let them go on for too long. I will begin to get attached over time. Sometimes I think he started to get attached as well and that's when he pushed me further away. Or maybe he was just selfish with me. He didn't want me, but he didn't want me to go either.

Then there is the final possibility, 'Maybe he just doesn't care anymore. Maybe he never did.'

The one thing I do know, is that I don't know.