The List of No's

Once upon a time, for a short while, I wrote for this music blog. One thing they were super big on was lists. List of venues, lists of artists, lists of clubs, lists of bars, lists of why an album sucked, and so on. If you can think of it there was a list. So in remembrance of the little blog that's not so little anymore, here's my list of the things women should walk away from.

1. Men who aren't upfront with there intentions. This is a bit tricky because really, how do you know if a man is being upfront.

2. Men that are unable or unwilling to communicate. You don't have to share everything with me but we've got to be able to communicate the things we like/dislike.

3. Men who won't wine & dine you. If a man's not willing to treat you as if you are special, it's because you're not.

4. "Come to my place and watch movies guy." He's the worst! Or perhaps I'm just a little bitter right now being I just walked away from that guy. My theory here is if he doesn't want to take you out in public, he doesn't give a damn about you. Waste of time. Next...

5. Men who won't introduce you to friends & family. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you should know his clan in the first month. But it by the third month you still haven't met anyone he knows, the red flags should be flying.

6. "Won't kiss you guy." Same as above but pisses me off even more. Before Mr. Callous, I didn't even know men like this existed. Silly me for thinking kissing was just a normal part of sex and foreplay.

Words of Wisdom From a Stranger

Just met this guy on Twitter. Let's call him DC. I thought DC was trying to hit on me but it turns out he is just networking (he hit me up on my personal Twitter page). We ended up chatting for a while on Messenger. Somehow we started talking about relationships, etc. He's married and decided to grace me with some knowledge.

DC
soooooo are you looking for the right guy? 6:57 PM

ME
The right guy...is there such a thing?? Yes, I would like to meet someone but I'm kind of working on some things first. I think I attract the wrong kind of men. Gotta work on some things on myself so that I don't do that any longer. 6:59 PM

DC
what does that mean attract the wrong kind of men? 6:59 PM

ME
I always end up involved with emotionally unavailable men. I just got out of something that lasted a year and a half but I knew the whole while it was going no where. 7:01 PM
Did you get into FB drama with the Mrs? lol 7:01 PM

DC
no no drama on the facebook thing....just had a few reasons....really I just think it served its purpose I contacted a few people and that was that..... 7:03 PM
emotionally unavailable that it is a new term...explain 7:03 PM

ME
lol 7:03 PM
let's see. 7:03 PM

DC
oh no offense but are you caucasion or mexican? 7:04 PM
I couldn't tell in your pic 7:04 PM

ME
See, now I'm mad...why does every dark haired girl have to be latina...I'm Armenian and Greek. 7:05 PM
I'm not really mad 7:05 PM

DC
lol...oh ok... 7:05 PM
do you speak Greek? 7:05 PM

ME
I used to. Can still understand it but can't jump into a convo. So are you mexican or black? I couldn't tell. 7:06 PM

DC
black...sorry hope I didn't offend you. 7:06 PM

ME
I am soooo playing with you!!! I tend to be a bit sarcastic and sometimes I offend people. Being that I don't know you, please let me know if I offend you. K? 7:07 PM

DC
oh I'm ok... 7:08 PM
so were you born and raised in Houston or did you move to the US at a young age? 7:08 PM

ME
Born in Chicago, then moved to Greece for 5 years, then to Houston. Been here ever since. Houston is no bueno 7:09 PM

DC
ok so back to the emotionally unavailable thing? 7:11 PM

ME
ohhhh...got distracted again. Like the last guy I was seeing. He and I were friends for a few years and he would always make passes at me but we were just friends. He told me all along he's not looking for a relationship. Not sure how but there we were in it and he was always very closed off to me. He was selfish and in truth, I didn't get much from the 'relationship.' Knowing he's not looking for a relationship and not into me and me still getting involved = me picking emotionally unavailable men. 7:16 PM
Does that kind of make sense? 7:17 PM

DC
a little 7:17 PM
sounds like he just didn't express his emotions well 7:18 PM
and you wanted a man that could express them well...or "make them available" 7:18 PM

ME
Emotionally unavailable - usually refers to those who create barriers between themselves and others in an effort to avoid emotional intimacy.
I googled it. lol 7:19 PM

DC
that's about 80 percent of men right? 7:20 PM

ME
LMAO! Go my gosh...that is too funny. Well then, I'm screwed. 7:20 PM

DC
I'm just asking....let me tell you 7:21 PM
we men do have emotions stirring up inside of us 7:21 PM
but often do not know how to share them especially if we didn't grow up expressing them. 7:22 PM
science will make it seem like we intentionally just block everything out and its not like that 7:22 PM
we are made as protectors and providers and that is our instinct to do those types of things 7:22 PM
so the things that women think about we don't think about those things 7:23 PM
or shouldn't say that 7:23 PM
the priority isn't the same 7:23 PM

Choices & Expectations

Choice - power of choosing; care in selecting; to be preferred.

Expectation - The prospect of the future; grounds upon which something excellent is expected to happen; prospect of anything good to come.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the concepts of choice and expectation. Here in the US, we live in an environment of limitless choices and possibilities. For the most part, as long as we strive for to attain our goals, the possibilities are endless. We are truly the architects of our own lives. This is one of the great things about our society. However, the idea that 'I can always do better' or 'Something better is just around the corner' are notions that really don't work in romantic situations. If you are constantly seeking the next best thing, and it's just around the next corner, then there it will be. Why? Because you're not fully in the moment and you're not committed to the relationship you've got. It's naive to expect romantic relationships to be all giggles and smiles every minute of every day. Every relationship has its problems, it's how you choose to handle problems as they arise that makes the difference.

A sense of multiple alternatives, of unlimited possibility, breeds in us the illusion that perfection does in fact exist somewhere out there, if only we could find it. Ultimately, our excess of choice leads to a lack of intimacy. How is anyone going to compare to this perfect person who's out there somewhere just waiting to be found? It creates doubt about this person you are currently involved with, who seems to be a good partner, but who knows what else may be out there for you?

Intimacy takes time to develop. If you are constantly wandering in and out of romantic situations you are never allowing the time it takes to establish real intimacy with a partner. And isn't intimacy the 'feel good' part of a relationship? And I'm not referring to physical intimacy, you can have sex with anyone and it mean very little but feel great never the less. Instead, I'm referring to emotional intimacy. The thing that puts you in tune with another human being.

I think a lot of women simply let their lives happen to them. Life IS a series of choices, a concept that men seem to understand. Women, however, tend to seek out that one 'perfect person,' who doesn't exist, and then settles into the status quo. Which I suppose is fine for some, but I want something different then the status quo. For me, things don't have to look the same way as every other woman's life does in American society.

In creating this blog and in accepting as many dates as possible, I'm trying to decipher what's right for me as an individual, not what's "right" for our collective society. Growing up in a dysfunctional home, in some ways, has given me an insight that I am lucky to posses. On the other hand, it has made it difficult for me to open up to men or to trust men. In the recent past, I choose only emotionally detached men because it was safe in some odd way. Safe yet never fulfilling. I don't want that anymore. I guess these are some of the core issues I am hoping to work through. In attempting to work on myself, my expectations of men are also beginning to shift. And here we are again, back to expectations.

This is the thing about my expectations. They are not about wanting something so utterly impossible or so monumental that it can never be, thereby leaving me with a constant feeling of disappointment in men. My expectations of men are about respect, consideration, honesty, about a man putting forth effort if he wants to be in my life in any capacity. I expect the same things of my friendships yet it is only recently that I have begun to expect this of men. Why? Again, that damn dysfunctional home...

I want to work on me so that I can be the best possible me, not perfection because that's an illusion...the perfect me, what ever that is. I what to date the masses so that I can find out what it is that makes ME happy and unhappy in romantic situations. I want to erase the damage my parents did by watching their relationship and I want to erase the fabrications we as girls grow up watching on tv...the happily ever after, the Rachael and Ross, the love at first sight, all of which are a farce.

One Thing I Do Know, Is That I Don't Know

It's been a little over a month now and Mr. Callous and I have not spoken. I figured that by this point I would not be thinking about him as much as I am...still am. I think of him often. Not in the fixated, psycho way, but he does pass through my mind more often then I am comfortable with. I catch myself wondering if he thinks of me.

I almost text messaged him on Christmas but decided I shouldn't. I've thought to call him a couple of times but didn't. I feel that even though I'm the one that left his apartment that morning while he slept, he should be the one to reach out for me if we are to ever have a friendship again.

My whole issue with him was with what appeared to be his lack of concern for me and his complete disconnect. So I don't think it's too much to expect him to open himself to me in this tiny manner. A phone call is a simple thing.

We were always able to talk to each other. I don't know where or when that was lost. The closeness that we once had is gone and hasn't been present for a long while. I wonder if he noticed it's absence or if he ever felt that same closeness to me.

I used to joke with him about how emotionally stunted he was and he would argue with me about it. He said he was capable of intimacy but just didn't want a relationship. I wonder if I changed or if he did. I tend to think we both changed our behaviors toward each other. The reality of things for me is that while I am able to and have had purely sexual relationships, I can't let them go on for too long. I will begin to get attached over time. Sometimes I think he started to get attached as well and that's when he pushed me further away. Or maybe he was just selfish with me. He didn't want me, but he didn't want me to go either.

Then there is the final possibility, 'Maybe he just doesn't care anymore. Maybe he never did.'

The one thing I do know, is that I don't know.

Giving Oral to a Woman

Earlier today, while joking with a friend of mine, I said I should write a blog on giving oral. I've since decided against that. However, I do have one piece of advice to offer. Gentlemen please, for the love of god, no biting. Preforming cunnilingus is not like scarfing down a Whopper with cheese and the clitoris is sensitive just as testicles are sensitive.

And that's what I have to say about that.

The Dilemmas of Life!

It's funny how life sometimes hands you what you think you've always wanted but when you get it, you realize you don't want it after all. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm just one of those people who are always seeking something, seeking the next 'best thing,' whatever that may be.

I went out with HWSRN on Sunday night. Actually, I went over to his house. He made me dinner. Very sweet, but all I kept thinking about is I'd rather be out with my friends. After dinner, we chilled on the sofa, talked and listened to music. Again, very nice. Then we made out...a lot. The boy does have certain oral gifts. Did I say we made out a lot! Like several hours. That was nice too.

But if pressed to be honest, at the beginning I was totally thinking about Mr. Callous. That's most definitely a sign that I'm not into HWSRN. Another sign that I'm not into him is that it annoys me that he wants to see me every few days. According to my friends, that's what men do when they like you. Maybe I'm just not aware of such things since I always dated dysfunctional men but it just plain annoys me.

The other thing...his package isn't up to par, which is probably why I wouldn't sleep with him. No sense in adding to your numbers if he's not gonna kill it.

I think one of the reasons dating is awkward for me is because I've never been the girl that needs to have a man around to validate her existence. I like having a man around but it's not necessary. So unless I really like you, I just assume be out with my friends.

I can tell he wants more from me then I'm willing to give and the truth of the matter is that I'm not even into him enough to be selfish and want to pretend so as to keep him around. I'd rather not lead him on and cut it now then keep going and hurt his feelings.

I don't think I've been in this position before. I've ended it with assholes but never with nice guys. Well, except this one guy in high school but high school doesn't count.

Oh...wait...just remembered...he's doing me a favor for my boss’s wife...damn. Maybe I'll hold off a little longer. Damn! The dilemmas of life!

The Zen of Men

Zen - To figure out something by meditation or by a sudden flash of enlightenment; Can be applied to problems of life in general.

I went out with 'HWSRN' again on Wednesday night. We went to see a band. Nothing major, just chill. However, this evening, our interaction seemed strained. I found myself more attracted to his buddy in the band (the guy was FINE!!). I found myself feeling a little bored and there was just a general awkward vibe. I caught myself thinking, "I'm not interested in anything but friendship with HWSRN."

The whole thing made me wonder if I'm one of those annoying girls that is never happy or if I'm just not interested. Being that I've never been a big dater, I'm just not sure. Can you decide in a matter of 3 days that you're not interested? Or should that require more time to decide?

It made me think about how competitive I was in junior high and high school when I used to play volleyball. I would loose my freakin' mind because I felt the other girls weren't taking things seriously. And I mean I would absolutely loose it!

I wonder if I won't ever be happy unless I'm struggling to attain someone's attention who isn't all that interested...the struggle being all about the win, the competition. That is so not how I want to be. What a waste of energy and time it would be to be like that.

Another factor is that at present, I feel like I'm caught somewhere between the boys of my past and the men of my future. While I love my creative types, I'm an adult. I don't love the idea of getting involved with men that are all over the place. I don't mean for this to sound shallow. I'm just trying to be honest with myself. Since I'm driven and intend to live a lifestyle that affords me the ability to travel, and to shop, and to go to lunches or dinners with friends, to collect art, to donate to charities I believe in, etc.; then the men in my life need to at minimum be at the same level as I am. I dated this one guy who would always talk about let's travel to this country or visit this city but when I would actually try to make those plans happen, he never wanted to do it because he didn't have the money. It sucked.

So back to HWSRN...He invited me over for dinner on Sunday. I accepted. Partially, because I called my friend and asked her opinion, partially because I wouldn't mind a little extra curricular activity (what can I say, it's been a while), and partially because he's a nice guy and I think I'm supposed to like nice guys (right??!?).

The truth is, while I still find myself attracted to creative types, hell I'm a creative type, I notice a change. The change is I'm more and more attracted to the hot guy in a suit at Cyclone Anaya's sitting at the bar during happy hour. PS I've always though men looked hot in suits. Not sure what that's about but it's just sexy!

Another thing I don't really like about HWSRN is I think he's relationship guy. He seems to want to see me every couple of days. Which I guess is cool but in the beginning, I'm more of a once a week or once every week and a half kind of girl. I don't want to lead him but I find that there is never an appropriate time to let him know I'm seeing other men.

I guess I'll figure more out in time.

And the Winner Is...

Last night, I went on a date with a guy I met the week before at a friends gig. I'm not sure what to call him yet (By the way, I don't think I've shared this before but I won't be using any of the mens real names. That's just tacky.)...so, for the time being, my Monday night date will be called 'He who shall remain nameless' or HWSRN for short. Yea, sometimes I wonder why I think of the crap I think of too.

Anyhow, HWSRN called to see if I was still up for getting together (we made plans via text several days earlier). I told him I was. We agreed that he would come pick me up. Yes, I know I said I wouldn't let men pick me up but we met through mutual friends so that's an amendment to the rule.

The plan was we were to go salsa dancing. He knocked on my door, I invited him in, I offered him a drink and we never left the apartment. We ended up talking and getting to know each other...over cocktails, of course.

Our interaction was almost childlike. It was really sweet and comfortable. At first we were on the sofa. Than, because I needed to google something, we had to go to my room (even though I have a laptop) and we layed in my bed talking some more. Honestly, I'd been having dirty thoughts about him for the past couple of days so I hoped he would make a move. At some point, I could tell he was thinking about it but didn't and I didn't either. The first move...that's mans work :). So we kept talking and talking it turned out to be really nice! I felt close to him even though we had just met.

It made me think of Mr. Callous and how I can't remember ever feeling that close to him...EVER. And I thought, 'How sad.' Mr. Callous and I were friends for years before anything physical happened between us. To never have felt close to him. Sad. Honestly, I feel like I don't even know him, probably never will. Sad.

Around 1am, I started to get sleepy. After all, I am getting old :) and I had to be at work early the next morning. So I told HWSRN that I think I need to get to sleep. Yep, very sleepy indeed. He got up, put on his shoes and took his glass to my kitchen (considerate, huh?). I walked him to the door not really sure if our evening was a date or two buddies hanging out. I went to give him a hug goodbye and he just grabbed my face and kissed me. And you know I likes when the men folk get a little forceful. It was the kind of kiss that leaves you wanting more. So, I guess it was a date after all.

Anyway, so far HWSRN is the winner.

When You Let Your Ass Do The Talking

My mom used to tell me that the 30's are the best years of a woman's life and being that I'm half way through my 30's, I couldn't agree more. It's not to say that life is perfect. There are a lot of things that I want to do, to be, to have but there's a certain self awareness that comes to women in their 30's. I feel unstoppable, like I can do and have anything I want as long as I work toward it.

I suppose I've hit a retrospective period of my life. I've been reevaluating lovers, friendships, my career, all in an effort to find what it is that would make me happy. I don't have the answer to finding happiness. It's different for everyone but for me, I think I'm close and getting closer everyday. I have an opportunity in February (can't talk about it, don't want to curse it) that if it happens, it will mean I'll be leaving Houston (aka my comfort zone) and starting a new life in another city. If it doesn't happen, I've been thinking I may just sell everything I own, hop on a plane and move overseas for a year. My lifetime dream is to see the world. I mean really see the world, not just the tourist spots. There are so many things that I can see for myself and for the first time in my life I know it's all possible...as big as I can dream it, it can be.

As I'm starting to date new men I'm also seeing how different things can be if you simply don't allow for less. What's interesting is the more I start expecting of men, the more I'm expecting of myself. I feel like if I want a man to put forth effort, to be attractive, intelligent, educated, and so on, then I need to be that truly exceptional woman who belongs with that exceptional man. In a way, me blogging is my cheap form of therapy. It's helping me sort out things that would otherwise take me way to long to figure out. I have always seen glimpses of the exceptional being I am but just little glimpses. That person would pop in and out of my conscience but self doubt or insecurity would also pop in and out. More and more the insecurities are disappearing and the exceptional person is taking over.

I love this person and the expectations she has of others. And as I start to demand more from myself and more from others, I will be let down by fewer and fewer people. I will stop being attracted to emotionally unavailable men and one sided friendships (or at least that's the theory) and will start attaining the attention of people that are worthy of what I can offer.

I don't know, maybe I'm just talking out of my ass.

Why It's A Bad Idea To Make Out With Your Friends & Other Knowledge

A couple of weeks ago I made out with a friend...well, let me rewind and tell the story from the beginning. To make it brief, a few of years ago we met at a bar. He was new in town, we became friends, we started sleeping together. I liked him, he liked someone else, we stopped talking.

Then, out of the blue, after not speaking for about 2 years, he text messaged me telling me he was sorry and that he realized he wasn't a good person to me. That was definitely not the text message I was expecting to see. I called him. We talked for a while, caught up, etc. We basically decided we were going to be friends...I think we decided that. Although maybe not. Perhaps he just wanted to send me that text and that be the end. Not really sure.

Anyhow, a couple of weeks ago we decided to meet up at a bar. We had drinks, many drinks (ya, I know, bad idea) and before I knew it, it was late. I gave him a ride home because he rode his bike. I went upstairs...I think to watch a movie. Yes, as I write this all down I see that this was a bad idea but what can I say, I was drunk.

We hung out, he made us sandwiches, we watched a movie, and then he asked, "Do you wanna stay here tonight?" For a brief moment, I thought, "I should go home." But between the alcohol and it just feeling nice to have some intimacy with a man, I stayed.

That's the other odd thing. I hadn't spent any time with him in over 2 years. I'm not sure why it felt intimate but it did. Again, maybe the alcohol.

So needless to say, immediately after getting into bed, hands started to wander. We didn't have sex but truth be told, if he had been a bit more forceful (I love it when men get aggressive), I probably would have.

Since then, I feel like the friendship is a little strained. We've never addressed what happened and honestly, I was hoping we wouldn't have to. I really do want us to be friends. I care about him a great deal. I don't think making out once should be the breaking point of a friendship. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. I dunno.

But I will say this, if he and I do maintain a friendship which I hope we do, no more going to the other persons house in a drunken state. Because damn! I really wanted to have sex with him.

Friends aren't supposed to have sex! Right?