That Shi Cra'y!

I'm much more ok with the ending of this "relationship" than I thought I would be. Sometimes my ego and emotions become intertwined. Perhaps this is one of those occasions. I get upset at the thought that this man doesn't want me...ME! I suppose it's better to think that way then to be insecure. But then again, maybe I just needed to try one last time and needed to hear one last time, from him..."I don't have feelings for you." I don't regret going back into the situation with him. I tried to attain a real partnership with a man I cared deeply for. I tried for something I wanted and I kept my hope. Hope is something I don't want to lose. Hope in love, hope in people, hope in men...I don't want to lose those things. So no regrets. I know I'm still bothered by his departure from my life because I'm thinking of him now and writing about him now but I also know that I'm fine. In ending things with him comes sadness but also a feeling of finality. Like the ending of a scene in a film. Cut. And that actually feels pretty good. I now know with all certainty it's a no go for he and I. I do however, think he's lying to himself to some degree. That's not to say I think he's crazy about me. Obviously, he's not but I do think he feels more strongly for me than he is admitting to himself. I guess we had that in common...not recognizing emotions. I know I will still think of him, probably daily for a while, but I also know I'm good and I'm certain there is a man out there that will compliment the person I am. He will be confident in the knowledge that I am his partner and he is mine. Most importantly, he will want to proclaim that I am his, not hide me so that no one ever knows of a secret relationship. "That shi cra'y."

Sucking at Life

So, I've certainly been absent for a long while now. I simply haven't had the urge to write. Until yesterday. I've realized that what made me want to start writing this blog was not to talk about my dates. I mean really, a date is a date is a date. And one lame pick up line or one jerk off is just par for the course when it comes to dating. The reason, when it all comes down to it, that I get inspired to write is sadness. I, yet again, involved myself with Mr. Callous. I've been involved with him for almost ANOTHER year and just a few days ago, it ended...again. I'm not going into all the whys of how it ended but suffice to say, he was particularly harsh and disconnected, which really doesn't surprise me but hurts me deeply regardless. I ended it with him but that really doesn't make me feel better. Ending it was not what I wanted to do...by no stretch of the imagination. I've realized what my real problem is when it comes to relationships. I lie to myself. Two friends, within 4 days said to me, "You're in love with him." My response? Me: "No I'm not. Why would you think that?" Friend 1: "Tell me why you don't think you're in love with him and I'll tell you why you are." Me: "Well, if offered a job in another city, I would leave." Friend 1: "And what if he started giving you what you need?" Me: *Hesitation* "No, I don't love him." I still don't know if I'm in love with him but what it made me realize is how deeply I do feel for him and I realize that I've been lying to myself the whole while. The problem with my love life isn't that I'm attracted to emotionally unavailable men. My problem is that I'm afraid to care for a man and so, I lie to myself by saying I don't care. Only to realize how much I care when it's too late or when I've wasted too much time in a dead end relationship. I'm crazy about him and he doesn't care about me. What's funny is I'm not mad at him. I'm mad at myself....for letting this stupidity go on for (I think) 3 years. I'm mad that when I met a good man who was ready to be there for me in a real way, I pushed him away, never giving this great man a chance because I felt more strongly for Mr. Callous. But that's life I suppose. I think that to make this faux relationship mean anything I need to learn from it. And this is what I have learned. No more lying to me. No more hiding what I feel. No more avoiding the hard subjects. And deal with all this early on because when you care about someone and don't want to loose them, they won't let you go. When they do let you go...than you have your answer. I can't keep struggling to be with someone who doesn't want me in his life in any real way. I miss him already. I think we could have had a great partnership. I am sad that I'm loosing my friend (because as I learned on Saturday, he doesn't want to talk to me now). I don't think it should be ending this way but I have to do what I have to do and so does he. End of story. In conclusion, this sucks!

Never Apologize for Showing Feeling

One of my goals for doing this blog is to not only figure out what I want and need in a relationship but also to learn about who I am with and without a man in my life. I've had two long term relationships and both were a long time ago and both were less than ideal. Not that they were bad men because they weren't but when you bring two dysfunctional people together well...tada. Dysfunction.

I'm really trying to work on being real with men which is extremely difficult. I do realize that by saying that, it sounds like I'm saying that I don't show my personality. That's not true. I have a big personality and I have no problem showcasing it. My problem is that I put on a facade of being a woman who doesn't need anyone and that translates to men viewing me in a certain light. I'm not exactly sure how I can better explain that. I know this is a bit vague but I'm trying.

I grew up with a wonderful mother who felt trapped in an abusive relationship. I also grew up hearing my wonderful mom tell me, "You never want to put yourself in a position that leaves you dependent on a man." So there is something deeply internalized within me that believes it's weak to want partner in my life or (here's the worst of the worst) to want to get married because those two things lead to dependence on a man and than what? It is physically uncomfortable for me to say aloud that I want these things and I literally have a hard time getting the words out when I try.

It's odd, the more I date the more I realize that I don't necessarily want the typical relationship but I DO want a relationship, something real. I'm 36 years old and have never lived with a man romantically, I've never said, "I love you" to a man. I'm a person that needs to have my own space. I want my own life, my own interests. I am wildly independent and am very proud of it and I don't understand what it is I'm doing that attracts men that don't want the similar.

Through dating, I have also learned how ignorant I am when it comes to how to think like you’re "in a relationship" because really, I've never had to do it before. I've only had to think of myself. I'm not a selfish person but if you’re single long enough you just become set in your ways (as my boss put it).

I realize that I'm a bit all over the place but this is my small effort to be honest.

Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth. ~Benjamin Disraeli

Good Sex & the Art of Meeting Men

Lately, I've been thinking about what it means to have "good sex." Don't get me wrong, mechanically, I know what I like but I've been pondering what it is that makes things really hot between two people. Until recently, I was involved with two men. With one man, the sex was incredible. With the other man, ehh...it's aiight. Of course, things have ceased with good sex guy and I'm left with the other.

While I don't want to stop seeing him, the chemistry is just not there. I wouldn't say the sex is bad, it's...blah. Plus, being involved with him, I see more and more that (as my boss put it) I'm "set in my ways." He wants to cuddle and I just want my space. He wants to talk after sex, I want to sleep. I would be completely and totally happy if after sex he would get up, get dressed and go home. Perhaps at a certain age, you become inflexible and you no longer require the same sort of stroking of your emotional ego. Perhaps I'm just not into him. I feel like the man in this situation and I question why I continue it.

I see that I've become socially lazy since my accident (I broke both ankles in January). I've lost the desire to go out with friends, to go for drinks, to go to concerts and yes, to meet new men. In reality, all I want to do is go home...and shop. I control the shopping urge but the inclination never dissipates. Another facet as to why I continue on with mundane sex guy is because of the fact that I'm not currently seeing anyone else. In other words, I don't want to completely cut off my supply. Therein lies the problem. I'd like to start dating more men again (ipso facto have better sex) but don't want to go out or do anything to meet them.

It's kind of funny, good sex guy wouldn't kiss me and it annoyed the living hell out of me. With mundane sex guy, I literally start to laugh during sex because I catch myself thinking, "OMG, stop kissing me. I feel like I'm being smothered and can't breathe!"

Bottom line, it's time for me to start going out again. I know this and, god help me, somehow I need to make myself do it.

Abuse & Your Adult Sex Life

I'm still involved with the same two men: Baby and Mr. Callous. For some reason, I can't seem to release either one of them, so I'm keeping them both for the time being. But who I'm seeing isn't relevant for now. It's what I've come to realize due to the fact that I'm sleeping with two men.

Baby is so amazingly good to me. And in bed, he is romantic and affectionate and loving (don't jump to an conclusions, no L words have been spoken). Baby wants to hold me and look into my eyes and give me body rubs and all that good stuff. What does that do? It makes me feel smothered. I literally catch myself physically backing away from him because he's too in my face. Aren't women supposed to want that from there men?

Mr. Callous simply wants to f*ck the sh*t out of me. It's passionate, and aggressive. He spanks me (hard) and pulls my hair. He's kinky and experimental, he hardly ever kisses me which pisses me off more than I can explain.

Now who do you suppose I like having sex with more? DING, DING, DING, DING, DING! That's right, Mr. Callous. Now I believe in the past, I described him as being inattentive and a bit lazy in bed but for whatever reason, he's gotten back in the game and it's been great!

I explain all that to pose a question. Did my having grown up in a home where my father was abusive to my mother influence what I like in bed?

I attempted to do a little research on the subject but couldn't find a whole lot (sure, I didn't research too terribly much but I tried). My instinct is that my childhood horrors did indeed follow me into my adult bedroom. I'm not sure what made Mr. Callous who he is today but there is an oddness within him. He's a self proclaimed sadist. I believe he has respect for women, on the other hand, I also believe he holds women in contempt. I certainly find it to be evident in his love making style (P.S. I hate the term love making). It seems at times he can't even look me in the eye for very long. I know it's not about me. We've known each other too long. So if I sense that things from his past have influenced him sexually than surely my history is reflected in my sex.

Aren't there some men out there who are really nice, emotionally mature and sexually aggressive? Or is the choice left available for women: good sex, unhealthy relationship or healthy relationship, bad sex? Or, is it just me with the issues, therefore I'm not attracted to emotionally healthy men?

Gotta Vent

Yesterday was an amazing day! I went to a flight school in Cypress, took a tour around the city in a four passenger plane and than had a flight lesson. It was incredible! I invited Baby, big mistake! I thought it would be a nice gesture since he normally pays for everything. I knew I should have just invited a friend. He said he hated it, said it was scary. You know what I say? "BOOOOOO, man up."

Anyway, after that he proceeds to pick on me for the remainder of the day. Nothing big, just lots of little things. He didn't like the capri's I was wearing; he said I can't cook (he's never tried my cooking); he complained about the highway I took on the way back; he decided it was alright to come up behind me and see who was texting me and what was being said, then tells me that one of my best friends is ugly (Not cool! You can't talk about my friend like that!). And on and on it went. The entire day! Now I know you're thinking, "Why didn't she just ask him to leave?" Good question. The answer...well, I wanted to have sex. What can I say, I'm human.

Right before he finally left I asked, "So, what's up with you today?" Baby says, "What do you mean?" "I mean you've been negative and picking on me all day. What's the deal?" "I mean, I just didn't like the plane ride."

I guess disliking a single activity gives you the right to be an ass for the rest of the day. Who knew??

This is what I find interesting. I'm sure Baby and I will make up (meaning he's going to apologize :) and that will be that. What I like is that more and more, I’m verbalizing my thoughts instead of just letting go of the things that bother me. Why should I be silent all of the time? Which is exactly what I've done in the past. I tend to dismiss my feelings in order to keep the peace, a little trick my mom taught me growing up. Of course my mother was dealing with a different beast entirely.

It's kind of sad because I think a lot of women do this. What in our society tells women and girls to silence themselves? Our thoughts and desires are just as important as any mans thoughts and desires, yet we tend to hold back. The thing I'm learning more and more is that I don't have to be silent and if someone doesn't like what I have to say, they can leave. The world won't come to an end and life will go on as usual.

Conflicted

AHHHHHHHHH!!

As of yesterday, I thought I should probably end things with the guy I'm seeing. Then today came. Le Sigh...

First, I have to explain that he - I'll call him Baby. And yes, that is in fact his pet name. - and I only see each other twice a week or so, which works great for me cause I likes my 'me' time. So we hadn’t spent much time together in the past week and a half. We hung out today. We went for breakfast and to a design market. Being with him was so nice! When I'm with Baby I realize I've been missing him but strangely, when I don't see him I don't really think of him much at all. How normal is that? Really, I'm asking??

I just can't quite figure out if I trying to sabotage one of the best relationship I've have with a man in a while, or if I'm not really feelin' it and am trying to make myself feel more or, is it really his lack of ambition that keeps me somewhat detached?

Did I mention I regressed, back to Mr. Callous? We'll talk more about how that happened on another day. Anyhow, I really shouldn't call it regression. I think it could have easily been a regression if I had felt all lovey over him bit I didn't. It's very strange with he and I. I know he cares for me (Now don't get me wrong, care can mean a lot of things.) but not enough to make whatever it is we have between us ever mean anything. For whatever reason, when it pertains to me, he is limited and the truth is I don't think I really care...anymore. Do I wish things could be different? Of course I do. But there not and that's all there is to that.

So, I spent the night with Mr. Callous on Friday night. It wasn't platonic. Considering how attractive I find him, there was absolutely no passion. The sex was good but in a mechanical way. And again, he wouldn't kiss me.

What's odd is that I wasn't sad about it or mad or anything. Maybe I should have been but who knows. It's strange because when I don't see him, I miss him, I miss talking to him, I want to tell him what's going on in my daily life but then when I'm actually with him physically, I'm detached and feel like we don't have much to say to each other. Perhaps that's a defense mechanism. I'm not sure.

What's even more odd is that he seems to care about the fact that I find him to be the most detached person I've ever known. I'm not sure why he would care about what I think being that I'm relatively unimportant to him.

Either way, I think Friday night may have been our last time on the Ferris wheel. It's just plain silly at this point. I remember Mr. Callous telling me, "I hope we can be friends still." Well, I sincerely hope he'll be ok with us just being friends. Over the past month, I can see more clearly that we're better off as just friends. He actually talks to me like I'm a person or when we're just friends. It's just better off.

Well, I felt that I had to confess my excursion with Mr. Callous because...just because. I think it's a way for me to confess to Baby without actually telling Baby. I've never actually cheated on anyone before, although I'm really not sure if it would be considered cheating. We haven't really had 'the talk' yet but Baby did once make a point to let me know he isn't sleeping with anyone but me. I know it would hurt him. There is no one I would want to hurt less. I feel like I'm just trying to be level heading about getting involved and potentially getting into a relationship. I know I wouldn't be happy grinding each and every day and the person I'm with is just chillin'. Don't get me wrong, he most certainly works but...I'll just say he's a lot more laid back then I am. If finance is the top factor that destroys relationship and I know that it would be a problem for me personally, then aren't I simply making a wise decision?

I'd really love some feedback here. I'm so conflicted.

Re-Cap on the Past Few Months

Needless to say, the past few months have been difficult, but I will say, you learn a lot about yourself in tough times. Anyhow, I've been seeing someone pretty regularly since December. After my accident, I thought he'd disappear but he stuck around. He's definitely one of those good men I was hoping to meet. He has been absolutely amazing to me in so many ways. But, (you had to know there was a but coming), I think I've finally figured out why I would never let myself get too into him. He completely lacks drive. It's taken me a little while to really figure this one out but there you have it. I've talked to him and asked him what he sees for his future and he doesn't know. That would be fine if we were in our 20's, but that's not the case.

So this is the dilemma, how do I end something with one of the nicest guys I've dated in long while? I do have to admit, I'm excited at the thought of starting to date again.

Having Your Wings Clipped

So, I am very aware of the fact that I've been absentee for quite some time now. The reason you ask? I've had no motivation to write for the past several weeks. On January 7th, I was in an accident. I broke both my ankles leaving me unable to walk or pretty much do anything for myself. But don't worry, this is just temporary. That's not to say the accident wasn't bad, because it was. However, I will get through it...in about 4 to 6 months.

Now that we've got most of the who, what, where, when, why's out of the way. Let me explain what's been going on these past several weeks. First, I need to explain that one of the things I'm most proud of about myself is my fierce sense of independence. I don't like to lean on people, I don't feel comfortable asking for help, I truly believe in doing for myself and handling things on my own. This accident has forced me to need my friends and family more than I have ever needed them before. I'm in a wheelchair right now and am not able to put any pressure on either foot. What that means is that the simplest of tasks are made difficult or impossible. For example, the wheelchair doesn't fit into my friends bathroom so I would have to ask my friend I was staying with to bring me a couple of bowls of water to wash my face. Another example, I need help getting dressed and pulling up my sweatpants (I say sweatpants, because that's all I've been wearing for the past three weeks. Don't judge me :).

The next thing I need to explain is that the person in life that I most depended on was my mother who past away three years ago this coming May. So, in addition to being terrified to do anything on my own, the person I most felt comforted by, the one who I allowed myself to lean on is gone. I have a sister who I love dearly but she's a mess and my father is almost 80 years old. The day before I was discharged from the hospital, I was literally in tears, sobbing to my friend that I have no one, that it is just me. Amazingly, my friend Kathleen and her husband took me in and helped me adjust. I stayed with them for the first 2 1/2 weeks. I am more grateful to them then I can ever explain. They took me into there home at my lowest, most vulnerable point and were there for me when all I could do was cry while sitting in the hospital gown I was sent home in. They made an awkward, uncomfortable situations more bearable with kindness, love and respect. Everyday, when I think about what they did and are still doing for me, I am amazed that I could be so lucky as to have people who love me so much that they were willing to extend themselves in such a fashion. Especially factoring in that they have two kids and an aging father in their household to attend to. I am eternally grateful to Kathy and Vyk because I absolutely do not know what I would have done without them.

The next phase of this healing process is me getting back home and starting to put my life back together. Enter my dear friend Faith. I am back home now and Faith stepped up and offered to help me at home which basically means she is living with me and attending to my needs. She has been amazing! I've know her since were were young girls in "the scene" and one thing I know about the scene is that few real friendships are formed within it. Instead, you meet people you only see at night time, at the club or in the bar. But Faith, knowing me for such a long time, has made a depressing and frustrating situation easier for me to deal with by her humor, kindness and empathy. Again, I do not know what I would do without her in my life.

Then there are the others. People in my life who have shown me that it is ok to be vulnerable and to lean on others when you are down. Thank you Melanie for teaching me how to give myself an injection, dad for being the rock that I need, Jahrel for building the ramp, Krystal & Dustin for your words of support and for making me laugh, Jade for running errands for me, Jay for just being you, Kam for dealing with the landlord, Nicole for your companionship. I am certain I am not remembering everyone who has been there for me through this process but ya gotta cut me some slack, I had my third and final surgery today so I'm a bit out of it still.

Obviously, I'm taking a step back from dating for the time being. However, as it turns out, there are actually a couple of reasons. Sometimes a man will stand out and surprise you and force to take notice. But more about that later.

Sexual Frustration

SEX! I can't stop thinking about it! I think the worst time in a human life is the time right after frequent sex with a partner stops and the lull until the next time a man f*cks the sh*t out of me...OH, opps...ahhhh, who said that??

For whatever reason, the first couple of months of no sex are the absolute worst for me. It's all I can think about and it sucks (not it the literal way).

So last night, I de-virginized my blog. I let one of the men I wrote about know that the blog exists. The guy you ask? He's the friend I made out with (refer to 'Why It's Bad to Make Out With Friends & Other Knowledge'). Let's call him B.U.D.D.Y.



B.U.D.D.Y is the first and only man I plan on informing. But this is the thing, I told him about the blog before we made out and I had told him I would send him the link. He asked me about it a couple times so being he already knew, I just went ahead and fessed up. I informed B.U.D.D.Y that there was an entry about him.

I immediately went back and read it. I stated that I wanted to have sex with him *blushing*. For a moment, I thought about deleting the entry but I thought, "It's what I felt and was thinking at the time, so it stays!" The blog is all about me being honest with myself and with men, so what if I get a little embarrassed. Life will go on.

Momentary pause, B.U.D.D.Y and I joke a lot and we both tend to be sarcastic. So we kept texting each other and at the end of a text he says, "My drunk sandwiches are awesome btw," (you just had to read the whole stream of text's). At that moment, I knew he read it. After that point, a couple of borderline dirty text messages were exchanged.

So basically, between no sex and the text messages, I've been sent over the edge. Sexual frustration is the absolute worst!